Friday, June 4, 2010

34. The Brady Bunch

Brady took me out for sushi and drinks, the perfect get-my-mind-off-this-drama recipe. The sushi was delicious and the drinks were strong.
"Do you mind if my neighbor TJ meets up with us?" He asked after reading a text message that was probably from said TJ.
"The more the merrier! Tell him to come!" Any friend of Brady's was a friend of mine.
"Actually TJ is a girl. She's my lesbian neighbor, but she just broke up with her girlfriend of five years. They still live together, how awkward is that?"
And I thought I had drama.
"Pretty damn awkward. Sounds like she could use a drink. Tell her to meet up with us."
"It's so weird. It's like, I know she's lesbian, but sometimes she says things to me that don't sound all that lesbian," Brady with a suggestive smile. I just shrugged, thinking that if she was a fan of doing the dirty with another woman's no-no parts for five years, she was probably pretty lesbian.
I don't know what I expected, but the girl who walked up to our table 20 minutes later didn't look anything like the lesbian neighbor I had pictured. She was thin with dirty blonde wavy hair and green eyes. She was, to put it bluntly, hot. She was sweet and new-agey and was all into reading my aura.
"You are exerting a lot of very positive energy. I can tell you have a good soul," she said as she held my hand and rubbed my inner arm with her other hand.
My aura felt molested.
I got a text from Addam.
"Do you have any vacation days left?'
He knew I had saved my vacation days to go on trips with him before we broke up.
"I want to fly you here to meet my family. Will you come? This weekend?"
My world started spinning and I gripped the table to make it stop. He wanted me to meet his family? We had talked about that a while ago, before the whole break up, but I was pretty sure that was all moot now. He was leaving for Iraq in a week. I didn't know what to say. If I met his family, then I'd be obligated to stay with him while he went off to Iraq. But at the same time, hearing that he wanted me to meet them, made me want to meet them. I wanted to lie in his bed with him at his grandma's and listen to him talk about his hometown.
I stood up from the table.
"I need a drink. Anyone need anything?" I asked.
"I'm coming with you!" TJ said as she grabbed my hand, "But can we go to the bathroom first?"
We walked to the bathroom with our fingers entwined. Once we stepped in the bathroom she turned to me.
"OK, so I know you're one of Brady's best friends. So I have to ask you, do you think I have a chance with him? I mean, I've liked men before, I was even married once. But for some reason I just get good vibes from him. Do I have your approval?"
Nothing was making sense that day. Addam wanted me to fly to Michigan to meet his family and Brady's sometimes-lesbian neighbor wanted to bang him? What made her think I wasn't out on a date with him? I wasn't, but still.
"Uh, sure. I doubt he'd turn you down. Go for it. I'm sleeping over there tonight, but yall can have the bed." She didn't even flinch when I told her I'd already planned on sleeping over.
"Thanks! This is great! He just has such good energy!" She said as she finally let go of me and walked into the stall. Her new-age bullshit was doing a tap dance on my last nerve.
I grabbed my phone and sent Brady a text.
"TJ wants your nuts. I'll take the couch."
I assumed he'd get a kick out of it. And I really didn't mind taking the couch. I'm sure he'd fantasized about his hot lesbian neighbor so often that reading that text message alone might make him blow his load. I didn't want to interfere with that dream. Besides, I had bigger problems to deal with.
We stopped by the bar for drinks and made it back to the patio table where Brady was waiting. I chugged my rum and diet and went back for another, while TJ and Brady read each other's energies or whatever it is chiropractors and massage therapists do while they're drinking.
My phone rang. It was Addam. I downed my new rum and diet, stepped away from the table to answer it.
"Hey, you didn't answer me, will you come visit me?"
"Addam, I don't know. I mean, I can't just skip out on work like that."
"You have vacation days. Use them."
"It's too last-minute. I have to get approval way ahead of time to use those days." Which was true, but also an excuse.
"Then call in sick."
"Addam, I can't do that."
"You can't, or you won't?"
I suddenly realized how buzzed I was. I probably shouldn't have answered the phone.
"I can't use my vacation days, and I won't call in sick. This is all just crazy. I can't meet your family! You know how much I like you, but we can't do this. If I couldn't even stand two weeks apart from you while you figured your life out, how am I supposed to handle a year?"
This is where the whole phone call went downhill. He said if I liked him and cared about him as much as I did, I'd make an effort. I said I cared about him, but couldn't get over how he treated me before, therefore couldn't commit to him. Back and forth we yelled until I was in tears. Yes, drunk on the patio at a bar crying like a toddler. I'm guessing the alcohol had a lot to do with that.
At some point, Brady realized I was upset and came over to offer some comforting words.
"Whitney, please don't cry. I would never pick TJ over you. You're my best friend and you know I'd never do that. I'm sleeping with you tonight, not TJ."
I let the phone drop away from my ear as I tried to process what Brady was saying. After a full 10 seconds I figured it out. Brady thought I was crying because TJ wanted to jump his bones. It was sweet of him to say those things, but I wasn't phased one way or the other. If he wanted to sleep with TJ, I'd probably high-five him and say, "GET IT!" Because, really, how often does a guy get to sleep with a sexy lesbian?
I tried to tell him I was fine, don't worry about me, go sit down, and finally he retreated.
Then I realized Addam had heard the whole thing. I dreaded putting the phone back up to my ear. I thought about "accidently" hanging up. My arm moved in slow motion as I lifted my phone.
"Um, what's going on??"
He sounded angry.
"Nothing, it's nothing. I'm out with Brady and he thought I was crying about something else."
I tried to remember exactly what Brady had said to figure out how bad it sounded to Addam.
"Wow. Sounds like you're busy. I'll let you go."
And he hung up.
I had no idea how I was going to talk my way out of that one. But then I realized, I didn't need to.
I went back to the table with red eyes and a tear-streaked face.
"I don't want to talk about it. Just get me a drink."
Later that night I found myself on the couch, leaning up against Brady's chest, with his arm around me. On the other side of me, TJ, leaning against me, stroking my arm.
What the fuck?
That was how threesomes start. I've watched enough Nip/Tuck to know that. How did I get into this situation. TJ started biting my arm. I stopped to think about it. All girls have some kind of lesbian experience at some point in their life, right? I've never even made out with a girl, but I think all of my other girlfriends have. Is this like a rite of passage or something? Should I go with the flow here? I thought about Brady and how excited he must be. His hot lesbian neighbor AND his friend with benefits at the same time? I looked at her with her teeth and lips enclosed on my arm. It could be worse, right? At least she was hot.
No, no, no. What was I thinking? The thought of kissing TJ made my stomach churn, not in the good way. Her hand was on my leg and started sliding up. How was I going to get out of this?
I shot a look at Brady that said, "HOLY SHIT. MISSION ABORT! GET ME OUT OF HERE."
"Hey, TJ, why don't I walk you home. It's getting pretty late," Brady said, jumping into action.
Thank god he knew me well enough to know what my looks meant. I knew I was crushing Brady's dream, but I adored him more for understanding I wasn't comfortable, and for ending the situation as soon as he sensed I didn't feel right. Brady really was a good friend. Any other guy would have been like, "Deal with it, this is my fantasy and you're in it. Don't fuck it up." But not Brady.
And luckily for me, Brady wasn't prude anymore.
Looking up at him completely naked with my legs thrown over his shoulders, my hands on his chest, keeping with the rhythm, I was completely grateful for my beneficial friend Brady. I wasn't thinking about Cayden. I wasn't thinking about Addam. And I sure as hell wasn't thinking about TJ (although I'm not sure I can say the same for Brady). I was only thinking about me, Brady, and the leg-shaking orgasms that put me to sleep with a smile on my face.
I wasn't smiling the next morning when I woke up with bite-mark bruises along my right arm from TJ, or the matching bruises along my left arm and shoulder from Brady. Bitches.

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