Cayden was planning a trip to NYC in October with his roommate Drew.
"But maybe I could take a few extra days off to come see you in Texas," Cayden said to me when we were talking on Facebook chat.
I thought about what it would be like to see him again. I thought about the night of the base running and felt my cheeks grow hot. I thought about that connection we had at the bar, on my roof, in my bed. It was something I didn't have with Brady or Addam. With Brady, it was like we were best friends until right when we got under the covers. The sex was fun. When we were done, we rolled over and went to sleep, back to best friends. It was actually quite perfect. The only thing that could make it more perfect was if he bought a new set of sheets because for some reason his had a gaping hole in the middle near the bottom. Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night with my feet twisted and tangled in the fitted sheet and I'd kick my legs, not caring if I dead-legged Brady in his sleep, until I freed myself of the death trap. Then I'd consider punching him for not buying new sheets.
With Addam the sex was incredible, but it only happened three times. He'd cuddle me afterward, and when I'd roll over to go to sleep he'd always keep one hand or one foot on me. I loved it. He could be so affectionate when he wanted to be. I'd never cared about anyone the way I cared about Addam, so sex with him was like nothing I'd had before. But we still didn't connect the way Cayden and I did. I could talk to Cayden about anything, but with Addam there were rules. He was a very private, very guarded person, so there was a list of things I wasn't allowed to tell my friends and family about him, the main one being that we met online. I didn't exactly want to broadcast that to the world either, but I didn't mind if my closest friends and family knew the truth.
Here's a prime example:
One night we were sleeping at his place, and he woke me up in the middle of the night.
"What??" I don't take well to being woken up.
"You're snoring so loud!" he said, while cracking up. Yeah, I admit it, if I have a stuffy nose, I snore. I'm only human.
"I was not! Leave me alone." Not only had he woken me up, but now he was laughing at me and accusing me of snoring like an old man?
He was still laughing.
"Babe, don't be mad. It's funny!"
"No, it's not! Snoring is NOT cute."
He put his hand on my back as I turned away from him.
"Babe, not everything you do has to be cute."
"Go to sleep."
The next morning he was still cracking up about it, mostly because I'd gotten so mad at him.
"Oh man, Whitney, it was so funny! I might have to go apologize to my neighbors! I bet the people in Haiti thought round two was coming!"
Oh yeah, he got a real kick out of it.
Later that day I met my parents for lunch at my favorite Chinese restaurant.
"How's Addam?" My mom asked.
"Oh, he got a real kick out of my snoring last night."
My parents cracked up as I told them the story. Apparently it wasn't only funny to Addam. Later a Haiti Aftershock news alert was on TV and my dad said, "Whitney! Come look! Look what you did!" He cracked up. I just shook my head, thinking "Men."
That night I told Addam how hard my dad laughed.
"What!? You told your parents about that?"
"Calm down. What's your problem?"
"They know you slept over here?"
He was pissed.
"Um, yeah. I'm 24 years old and you're 26. We're not little kids, you know."
"Oh my god, I can never look your dad in the eye again."
"Oh get over yourself! I didn't say, 'Hey dad, Addam rocked my world last night.' You're being ridiculous."
He was in a bad mood the rest of the night. Every 30 minutes he'd chime in with, "I can't believe you told your parents."
-----
The more Cayden and I talked about him coming in October, the more excited we both got.
He was shocked at how cheap Texas is compared to London. He started sending me links to giant houses in Texas, 5 bedroom houses with sprawling pools for $500,000. He'd send the link and say, "Look how cheap that is!" Cheap? Half a million dollars was NOT cheap, but if he thought so, I didn't want to burst his bubble. He had his little British heart set on moving to New York City once he finished his MBA, but every once in a while he'd send me links to business consulting jobs in Texas, saying, "Look how perfect this job is. This is exactly what I want!" He started talking about how he could move to a different city, maybe one in Texas, and use that as a stepping stone to get to NYC. He loved everything about New York. He'd been there twice and decided it was the greatest city in the world. I begged to differ. Sure, there were things about it that I loved, but give me a car, sunshine, and a swimming pool, and I'm happy.
Thinking about seeing Cayden again helped me get Addam off my mind. When I'd be driving around town, I'd picture him in the passenger seat, his eyes peeled on the landscape as he tried to take in Texas. He'd send me links of the skyline of the city I lived in, and he'd say, "It's not New York, but it doesn't look too bad in this picture!"
In the back of my head, I kept telling myself not to get my hopes up, because he'd probably bail anyway.
Showing posts with label facebook. Show all posts
Showing posts with label facebook. Show all posts
Friday, June 4, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
32. Bittersweet Goodbye
This whole time, Cayden and I were still emailing every few days. We still talked about what was new in our lives, so he knew all about Addam. The email I sent Cayden right after Addam first mentioned Iraq was a rant about how I had shitty luck with men. I took it out on him. He responded with an apologetic email, saying I didn't deserve to have to deal with that again, apologizing for how badly he'd hurt me with his decision.
Out of the blue, Cayden added me as a friend on Facebook. It was weird that we had been talking for seven month and this hadn't happened sooner. I accepted.
This also meant we could use Facebook chat to talk instantly, instead of waiting for email replies. Our once-every-three-days emails turned into everyday chats. I was always shocked that we hadn't run out of things to talk about. I talked to him more than I talked to my mom, more than I talked to my friends. I could tell him anything. This also meant he had to put up with my complaining when things started going south with Addam.
---
Addam hadn't heard back about the job. His mood changed. He didn't talk about Iraq. His eyes stopped lighting up. He didn't come over when he got off work anymore. His cute text messages were few and far between. He was using his days off to sleep instead of to see me.
"I just need some time. Not time off from you, just time. Shit's fucked up and I feel like I've been treating you badly."
"Take your time. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help."
He didn't want help. He swore it had nothing to do with me, but refused to say anything else about what was going on in his life. I didn't hear from him the next day, or the day after that. That Friday my phone rang while I was at work. It was Addam, so I snuck into the conference room to answer it.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Whitney. What are you doing?"
"I'm at work. You?"
"Oh, I'll let you go then. Go back to work."
"No, it's fine. How are you?"
"Fine. My brother is moving back to Michigan, but other than that, nothing new."
"Is that what you're upset about?"
"Part of it. Now go back to work."
He sounded sad or bored. But he didn't try to make plans to see me. I never wanted to be the girl waiting by the phone. But I was that girl. All night and all the next day, finally I decided I needed to go out. Luckily my friend Katherine was in town from Houston and wanted me to meet her for dinner. At 8 pm Addam called.
"What are you doing?"
"Getting ready to meet my friend Katherine for dinner. You?"
"Oh, I guess I should have called you sooner. Just wanted to see if you wanted to hang out."
"Oh, sorry. Well, you're welcome to come to dinner with us. I'd love for Katherine to meet you."
"Nah, go have fun."
The next night he stopped by for about an hour. We didn't talk about anything important.
I talked to Cayden about it. I talked about how I was pissed Addam wouldn't confide in me. He couldn't expect me not to take it personally if he didn't even feel comfortable enough to talk about these things with me.
Cayden was always the perfect person to go to for advice. He could separate emotion from logic.
"Whitney, you have the perfect job. You love where you live. You have close friends, and you're close to your family. The next logical step for you is to want to share that with someone. You wanted to share that with Addam. But Addam hates his job, hates Texas, and now he doesn't even have his brother nearby. He shouldn't be in a relationship. He needs to be happy with himself and his life before he can be happy with anyone else."
Suddenly it all made sense. I couldn't make Addam happy. No matter how hard I tried, I could only make Addam like one aspect of his life. I couldn't make him like his job. I couldn't make him like Texas. It hurt, but it was relieving. It answered all the questions I couldn't ask Addam.
From that point on, I hoped and prayed he'd get the offer. That was the only thing that would make him happy at that moment. Also, I needed to break up with him. But were we even still together? Had he already broken up with me? Maybe this was one of those understood break ups. He texted me once that week to see what I was doing that night, and I had already made plans to go to a concert. That weekend I asked if I could see him on Sunday. He said, "I have to work." I said, "You're off at 2. Can I see you after that?" He said, "That should be OK."
That Sunday I went to brunch with my friend Maddy. She knew the Addam situation and agreed someone needed to break it off. As we were paying the bill, Addam texted me. "Something came up. I can't see you today."
Something came up? People really say that?
I texted him back, "Are you sure you don't have any time? I really wanted to see you."
He called me when I was in the car.
"What's so important that you want to see me?" he asked, sounding annoyed.
"Well, it's not a conversation I want to have over the phone."
"Why not? Just say what you want to say. But hurry, something really did come up, I can't talk long."
"Addam, are we even still together?" I asked, pissed we were really about to have this conversation on the phone.
"Um, I think you made it pretty clear we're not."
I was stunned.
"Excuse me? What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"You've bailed on me the last three times I wanted to hang out."
"Addam, bailing on you would imply that we had plans. But we didn't! You never made plans with me! You can't expect me to sit by the phone and wait for your call so I can drop everything I'm doing to see you when it's convenient for you."
"I never asked you to wait," he said with the most hurtful tone I'd ever heard him use.
So that's how it was going to be. We started out perfectly. Everything was perfect for months, and everything went to shit a matter of two weeks. I cried so hard that day, even though I was prepared for the break up. It was just a horrible feeling going from so happy to so sad. I drove to my parents house and spent the rest of the day there.
---
Three days later, Addam called to tell me he got the offer. He was moving to Iraq. He sounded happy, thrilled even. You would have never thought this Addam was the same Addam who had purposely made me feel terrible just days before. A huge wave of relief rolled over me. I had fallen in love with Addam, and I wanted nothing more than for him to be happy. He asked if he could see me on Sunday, the day before he left Texas to head home for a few weeks. Sure, maybe we could leave things on a peaceful note.
---
It was 75 degrees without a cloud in the sky that Sunday. Addam picked me up in his convertible and we went out for Thai food. He was smiling, laughing, fun. He was happy. We went back to my place and had mind-blowing sex. And then I was happy. Talk about leaving on a good note.
Out of the blue, Cayden added me as a friend on Facebook. It was weird that we had been talking for seven month and this hadn't happened sooner. I accepted.
This also meant we could use Facebook chat to talk instantly, instead of waiting for email replies. Our once-every-three-days emails turned into everyday chats. I was always shocked that we hadn't run out of things to talk about. I talked to him more than I talked to my mom, more than I talked to my friends. I could tell him anything. This also meant he had to put up with my complaining when things started going south with Addam.
---
Addam hadn't heard back about the job. His mood changed. He didn't talk about Iraq. His eyes stopped lighting up. He didn't come over when he got off work anymore. His cute text messages were few and far between. He was using his days off to sleep instead of to see me.
"I just need some time. Not time off from you, just time. Shit's fucked up and I feel like I've been treating you badly."
"Take your time. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help."
He didn't want help. He swore it had nothing to do with me, but refused to say anything else about what was going on in his life. I didn't hear from him the next day, or the day after that. That Friday my phone rang while I was at work. It was Addam, so I snuck into the conference room to answer it.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Whitney. What are you doing?"
"I'm at work. You?"
"Oh, I'll let you go then. Go back to work."
"No, it's fine. How are you?"
"Fine. My brother is moving back to Michigan, but other than that, nothing new."
"Is that what you're upset about?"
"Part of it. Now go back to work."
He sounded sad or bored. But he didn't try to make plans to see me. I never wanted to be the girl waiting by the phone. But I was that girl. All night and all the next day, finally I decided I needed to go out. Luckily my friend Katherine was in town from Houston and wanted me to meet her for dinner. At 8 pm Addam called.
"What are you doing?"
"Getting ready to meet my friend Katherine for dinner. You?"
"Oh, I guess I should have called you sooner. Just wanted to see if you wanted to hang out."
"Oh, sorry. Well, you're welcome to come to dinner with us. I'd love for Katherine to meet you."
"Nah, go have fun."
The next night he stopped by for about an hour. We didn't talk about anything important.
I talked to Cayden about it. I talked about how I was pissed Addam wouldn't confide in me. He couldn't expect me not to take it personally if he didn't even feel comfortable enough to talk about these things with me.
Cayden was always the perfect person to go to for advice. He could separate emotion from logic.
"Whitney, you have the perfect job. You love where you live. You have close friends, and you're close to your family. The next logical step for you is to want to share that with someone. You wanted to share that with Addam. But Addam hates his job, hates Texas, and now he doesn't even have his brother nearby. He shouldn't be in a relationship. He needs to be happy with himself and his life before he can be happy with anyone else."
Suddenly it all made sense. I couldn't make Addam happy. No matter how hard I tried, I could only make Addam like one aspect of his life. I couldn't make him like his job. I couldn't make him like Texas. It hurt, but it was relieving. It answered all the questions I couldn't ask Addam.
From that point on, I hoped and prayed he'd get the offer. That was the only thing that would make him happy at that moment. Also, I needed to break up with him. But were we even still together? Had he already broken up with me? Maybe this was one of those understood break ups. He texted me once that week to see what I was doing that night, and I had already made plans to go to a concert. That weekend I asked if I could see him on Sunday. He said, "I have to work." I said, "You're off at 2. Can I see you after that?" He said, "That should be OK."
That Sunday I went to brunch with my friend Maddy. She knew the Addam situation and agreed someone needed to break it off. As we were paying the bill, Addam texted me. "Something came up. I can't see you today."
Something came up? People really say that?
I texted him back, "Are you sure you don't have any time? I really wanted to see you."
He called me when I was in the car.
"What's so important that you want to see me?" he asked, sounding annoyed.
"Well, it's not a conversation I want to have over the phone."
"Why not? Just say what you want to say. But hurry, something really did come up, I can't talk long."
"Addam, are we even still together?" I asked, pissed we were really about to have this conversation on the phone.
"Um, I think you made it pretty clear we're not."
I was stunned.
"Excuse me? What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"You've bailed on me the last three times I wanted to hang out."
"Addam, bailing on you would imply that we had plans. But we didn't! You never made plans with me! You can't expect me to sit by the phone and wait for your call so I can drop everything I'm doing to see you when it's convenient for you."
"I never asked you to wait," he said with the most hurtful tone I'd ever heard him use.
So that's how it was going to be. We started out perfectly. Everything was perfect for months, and everything went to shit a matter of two weeks. I cried so hard that day, even though I was prepared for the break up. It was just a horrible feeling going from so happy to so sad. I drove to my parents house and spent the rest of the day there.
---
Three days later, Addam called to tell me he got the offer. He was moving to Iraq. He sounded happy, thrilled even. You would have never thought this Addam was the same Addam who had purposely made me feel terrible just days before. A huge wave of relief rolled over me. I had fallen in love with Addam, and I wanted nothing more than for him to be happy. He asked if he could see me on Sunday, the day before he left Texas to head home for a few weeks. Sure, maybe we could leave things on a peaceful note.
---
It was 75 degrees without a cloud in the sky that Sunday. Addam picked me up in his convertible and we went out for Thai food. He was smiling, laughing, fun. He was happy. We went back to my place and had mind-blowing sex. And then I was happy. Talk about leaving on a good note.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
8. Suitable For Work
Good thing my office was closed that day because I went back to sleep and slept for five more hours. I woke up around 4 and heard my roommates shuffling around in the kitchen. I slipped into an old softball jersey and a pair of shorts and stepped out of my room.
"Sounds like you had fun last night!" Alexa said with a smirk on her face.
Ah, she must be referring to the standing ovations. My bad. Or, his good.
"Um, I'm going to need yall to look at this," I said as I opened my phone and clicked on my pictures. Oh my god, I didn't see it. I scrolled through all the pictures on my phone. It wasn't there.
"Damn it! I had the best picture of his incredible body and I couldn't wait to show yall!"
"Does he know you took a picture of him?" Lea asked from the couch.
"Yeah, and I'm sure he think I'm out of my god damn mind, but it's not like I'm ever going to see him again." I'd spent the past two days wondering when I was going to see him again and the next two days realizing I wasn't.
Jon called. I ignored it.
---
"Sorry I didn't make it to your Fourth of July party! How was it?" Suzanne asked when I got to work the next day. We were both editorial assistants at the health magazine we worked at in midtown.
"Have you had your coffee yet? This one is a doozy," I said as I rolled my computer chair from my cubicle to hers.
"Ooo! Do tell! Mac, get over here! Whitney has another story!" Mac, the art assistant, had just walked in. She set her purse down at her cubicle, rolled her eyes, and headed over to Suzanne's cube.
"What did you do this time, Whitney?" Mac asked, somewhat accusatory, but overall intrigued.
They were used to hearing my off-the-wall stories. Whether it's a date I went on with a sexy sociology professor who used to be Obama's special assistant, or the nanny job I applied for in the Upper East Side that required me to teach English to a one-and-a-half year old under a strict video surveillance system that was probably created by her three-year-old sister. New York City was a crazy place, and I liked to soak up the crazy.
"I didn't do anything. I met someone."
"You always meet someone! And how is it that they always have sweet-ass bodies? It's not fair!" Suzanne crossed her arms over her chest and gave me a faux-jealous glare. She'd been with her boyfriend for four years, so she enjoyed hearing about the excitement that was my seemingly permanent single life. And no, I don't always take topless pics of boys I meet. They just all happen to have at least one swimming suit pic tagged of them on Facebook. Yes boys, while you're looking for our bikini pics, we're looking for your swim-trunks pics. I love the summer.
"Hold that thought, Whitney," Mac said. "Dani, get over here."
Dani had just stepped out of her office. Lucky bitch had recently upgraded from a cube to a real office thanks to her recent promotion from editorial assistant to associate editor.
She joined our group and looked right at me.
"Well, he has an accent."
I had their attention.
---
It was Wednesday, and I was still on cloud nine from my wonderful weekend. I was browsing through medicalnewstoday.com looking for recent research about the benefits of eggs, or monounsaturated fatty acid, or tanins, or probably all of the above, when I saw that I had a new email in my Gmail tab. (Across my tabs on my browser were Gmail, Facebook, Gawker, and medicalnewstoday, in that order) I clicked over, expecting an annoying email from Facebook about a comment I'd already read five minutes ago.
It was an email from Cayden.
"Hey Whitney,
My first day back in work today and my motivation is pretty much non-existant. Really wish I didn't have to come back, haha. Our last day in NYC was ok, just wandered around and enjoying the views. Drew and Topher are fine about Sunday, so don't worry about that. I think I might have beaten the jet lag. I took some sleeping pills before our flight so slept the whole journey, then slept for 14hrs last night. This evening I'm updating my cv in preparation for quitting my current job!
Sent from my iPhone"
I read it again. And again. Monounsaturated fatty acids could wait.
The night on the roof I had told him to tell Drew and Topher I was sorry I hadn't brought a group of girls for them to mingle with at the bar. So that's what he was referring to. Wow, I really hadn't expected to hear from him again. Especially so soon. And to answer your question, no, he wasn't quitting his job to come move in with me and be my sex slave, unfortunately. We had talked about our career goals, and he said he wanted to be 100% happy in his career, and he didn't feel like he was at that point in his current position. I remember saying, "at least you're not writing about menopause and toe cramps." I was.
I hit 'reply.'
"Glad to hear you made it back OK! Wow, I don't think I could ever
sleep 14 hours. How in the world are you going to be able to sleep
tonight? So, you're really going to quit your job, eh? That's a pretty big
decision. But I hope it works out for you. Everyone deserves to love
what they do, even if we have to do a few 'rubbish' jobs before we get
there :)
PS-- I accidently deleted that picture. Will you send me one?"
----
It took a few days and several emails to convince him that the photo was a necessity to my life's existence. But finally, he caved. I now share with you, my favorite base runner. Enjoy.
"Sounds like you had fun last night!" Alexa said with a smirk on her face.
Ah, she must be referring to the standing ovations. My bad. Or, his good.
"Um, I'm going to need yall to look at this," I said as I opened my phone and clicked on my pictures. Oh my god, I didn't see it. I scrolled through all the pictures on my phone. It wasn't there.
"Damn it! I had the best picture of his incredible body and I couldn't wait to show yall!"
"Does he know you took a picture of him?" Lea asked from the couch.
"Yeah, and I'm sure he think I'm out of my god damn mind, but it's not like I'm ever going to see him again." I'd spent the past two days wondering when I was going to see him again and the next two days realizing I wasn't.
Jon called. I ignored it.
---
"Sorry I didn't make it to your Fourth of July party! How was it?" Suzanne asked when I got to work the next day. We were both editorial assistants at the health magazine we worked at in midtown.
"Have you had your coffee yet? This one is a doozy," I said as I rolled my computer chair from my cubicle to hers.
"Ooo! Do tell! Mac, get over here! Whitney has another story!" Mac, the art assistant, had just walked in. She set her purse down at her cubicle, rolled her eyes, and headed over to Suzanne's cube.
"What did you do this time, Whitney?" Mac asked, somewhat accusatory, but overall intrigued.
They were used to hearing my off-the-wall stories. Whether it's a date I went on with a sexy sociology professor who used to be Obama's special assistant, or the nanny job I applied for in the Upper East Side that required me to teach English to a one-and-a-half year old under a strict video surveillance system that was probably created by her three-year-old sister. New York City was a crazy place, and I liked to soak up the crazy.
"I didn't do anything. I met someone."
"You always meet someone! And how is it that they always have sweet-ass bodies? It's not fair!" Suzanne crossed her arms over her chest and gave me a faux-jealous glare. She'd been with her boyfriend for four years, so she enjoyed hearing about the excitement that was my seemingly permanent single life. And no, I don't always take topless pics of boys I meet. They just all happen to have at least one swimming suit pic tagged of them on Facebook. Yes boys, while you're looking for our bikini pics, we're looking for your swim-trunks pics. I love the summer.
"Hold that thought, Whitney," Mac said. "Dani, get over here."
Dani had just stepped out of her office. Lucky bitch had recently upgraded from a cube to a real office thanks to her recent promotion from editorial assistant to associate editor.
She joined our group and looked right at me.
"Well, he has an accent."
I had their attention.
---
It was Wednesday, and I was still on cloud nine from my wonderful weekend. I was browsing through medicalnewstoday.com looking for recent research about the benefits of eggs, or monounsaturated fatty acid, or tanins, or probably all of the above, when I saw that I had a new email in my Gmail tab. (Across my tabs on my browser were Gmail, Facebook, Gawker, and medicalnewstoday, in that order) I clicked over, expecting an annoying email from Facebook about a comment I'd already read five minutes ago.
It was an email from Cayden.
"Hey Whitney,
My first day back in work today and my motivation is pretty much non-existant. Really wish I didn't have to come back, haha. Our last day in NYC was ok, just wandered around and enjoying the views. Drew and Topher are fine about Sunday, so don't worry about that. I think I might have beaten the jet lag. I took some sleeping pills before our flight so slept the whole journey, then slept for 14hrs last night. This evening I'm updating my cv in preparation for quitting my current job!
Sent from my iPhone"
I read it again. And again. Monounsaturated fatty acids could wait.
The night on the roof I had told him to tell Drew and Topher I was sorry I hadn't brought a group of girls for them to mingle with at the bar. So that's what he was referring to. Wow, I really hadn't expected to hear from him again. Especially so soon. And to answer your question, no, he wasn't quitting his job to come move in with me and be my sex slave, unfortunately. We had talked about our career goals, and he said he wanted to be 100% happy in his career, and he didn't feel like he was at that point in his current position. I remember saying, "at least you're not writing about menopause and toe cramps." I was.
I hit 'reply.'
"Glad to hear you made it back OK! Wow, I don't think I could ever
sleep 14 hours. How in the world are you going to be able to sleep
tonight? So, you're really going to quit your job, eh? That's a pretty big
decision. But I hope it works out for you. Everyone deserves to love
what they do, even if we have to do a few 'rubbish' jobs before we get
there :)
PS-- I accidently deleted that picture. Will you send me one?"
----
It took a few days and several emails to convince him that the photo was a necessity to my life's existence. But finally, he caved. I now share with you, my favorite base runner. Enjoy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)