This whole time, Cayden and I were still emailing every few days. We still talked about what was new in our lives, so he knew all about Addam. The email I sent Cayden right after Addam first mentioned Iraq was a rant about how I had shitty luck with men. I took it out on him. He responded with an apologetic email, saying I didn't deserve to have to deal with that again, apologizing for how badly he'd hurt me with his decision.
Out of the blue, Cayden added me as a friend on Facebook. It was weird that we had been talking for seven month and this hadn't happened sooner. I accepted.
This also meant we could use Facebook chat to talk instantly, instead of waiting for email replies. Our once-every-three-days emails turned into everyday chats. I was always shocked that we hadn't run out of things to talk about. I talked to him more than I talked to my mom, more than I talked to my friends. I could tell him anything. This also meant he had to put up with my complaining when things started going south with Addam.
---
Addam hadn't heard back about the job. His mood changed. He didn't talk about Iraq. His eyes stopped lighting up. He didn't come over when he got off work anymore. His cute text messages were few and far between. He was using his days off to sleep instead of to see me.
"I just need some time. Not time off from you, just time. Shit's fucked up and I feel like I've been treating you badly."
"Take your time. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help."
He didn't want help. He swore it had nothing to do with me, but refused to say anything else about what was going on in his life. I didn't hear from him the next day, or the day after that. That Friday my phone rang while I was at work. It was Addam, so I snuck into the conference room to answer it.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Whitney. What are you doing?"
"I'm at work. You?"
"Oh, I'll let you go then. Go back to work."
"No, it's fine. How are you?"
"Fine. My brother is moving back to Michigan, but other than that, nothing new."
"Is that what you're upset about?"
"Part of it. Now go back to work."
He sounded sad or bored. But he didn't try to make plans to see me. I never wanted to be the girl waiting by the phone. But I was that girl. All night and all the next day, finally I decided I needed to go out. Luckily my friend Katherine was in town from Houston and wanted me to meet her for dinner. At 8 pm Addam called.
"What are you doing?"
"Getting ready to meet my friend Katherine for dinner. You?"
"Oh, I guess I should have called you sooner. Just wanted to see if you wanted to hang out."
"Oh, sorry. Well, you're welcome to come to dinner with us. I'd love for Katherine to meet you."
"Nah, go have fun."
The next night he stopped by for about an hour. We didn't talk about anything important.
I talked to Cayden about it. I talked about how I was pissed Addam wouldn't confide in me. He couldn't expect me not to take it personally if he didn't even feel comfortable enough to talk about these things with me.
Cayden was always the perfect person to go to for advice. He could separate emotion from logic.
"Whitney, you have the perfect job. You love where you live. You have close friends, and you're close to your family. The next logical step for you is to want to share that with someone. You wanted to share that with Addam. But Addam hates his job, hates Texas, and now he doesn't even have his brother nearby. He shouldn't be in a relationship. He needs to be happy with himself and his life before he can be happy with anyone else."
Suddenly it all made sense. I couldn't make Addam happy. No matter how hard I tried, I could only make Addam like one aspect of his life. I couldn't make him like his job. I couldn't make him like Texas. It hurt, but it was relieving. It answered all the questions I couldn't ask Addam.
From that point on, I hoped and prayed he'd get the offer. That was the only thing that would make him happy at that moment. Also, I needed to break up with him. But were we even still together? Had he already broken up with me? Maybe this was one of those understood break ups. He texted me once that week to see what I was doing that night, and I had already made plans to go to a concert. That weekend I asked if I could see him on Sunday. He said, "I have to work." I said, "You're off at 2. Can I see you after that?" He said, "That should be OK."
That Sunday I went to brunch with my friend Maddy. She knew the Addam situation and agreed someone needed to break it off. As we were paying the bill, Addam texted me. "Something came up. I can't see you today."
Something came up? People really say that?
I texted him back, "Are you sure you don't have any time? I really wanted to see you."
He called me when I was in the car.
"What's so important that you want to see me?" he asked, sounding annoyed.
"Well, it's not a conversation I want to have over the phone."
"Why not? Just say what you want to say. But hurry, something really did come up, I can't talk long."
"Addam, are we even still together?" I asked, pissed we were really about to have this conversation on the phone.
"Um, I think you made it pretty clear we're not."
I was stunned.
"Excuse me? What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"You've bailed on me the last three times I wanted to hang out."
"Addam, bailing on you would imply that we had plans. But we didn't! You never made plans with me! You can't expect me to sit by the phone and wait for your call so I can drop everything I'm doing to see you when it's convenient for you."
"I never asked you to wait," he said with the most hurtful tone I'd ever heard him use.
So that's how it was going to be. We started out perfectly. Everything was perfect for months, and everything went to shit a matter of two weeks. I cried so hard that day, even though I was prepared for the break up. It was just a horrible feeling going from so happy to so sad. I drove to my parents house and spent the rest of the day there.
---
Three days later, Addam called to tell me he got the offer. He was moving to Iraq. He sounded happy, thrilled even. You would have never thought this Addam was the same Addam who had purposely made me feel terrible just days before. A huge wave of relief rolled over me. I had fallen in love with Addam, and I wanted nothing more than for him to be happy. He asked if he could see me on Sunday, the day before he left Texas to head home for a few weeks. Sure, maybe we could leave things on a peaceful note.
---
It was 75 degrees without a cloud in the sky that Sunday. Addam picked me up in his convertible and we went out for Thai food. He was smiling, laughing, fun. He was happy. We went back to my place and had mind-blowing sex. And then I was happy. Talk about leaving on a good note.
Showing posts with label happy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label happy. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
25. Dear Diary
I couldn't fall asleep that night. My head was full of what-ifs. What if he decided he didn't want to talk to me? What if he'd met someone else? What if he had a wife and kids over there all along, and this was just his way out of it? It was six hours later over there, so I kept counting the hours, knowing he'd probably read it when he woke up for work in the morning. But what if he didn't have time to respond before he went to work? Then I'd have to wait to hear from him until his lunch break. I tossed and turned and checked my phone every few minutes.
At 6:10 am I woke up to my phone alarm. I turned it off and attempted to drag myself out of bed. After a few hours of light sleep, I had forgotten I was waiting for his email. I checked my phone out of habit, as I did every morning, still hanging on to some thread of hope that I'd have an email from him saying "I made a huge mistake. I have to see you. I'm on the next flight out." That wasn't the email I woke up to. This was:
"Whitney,
I'm soooooooooooooo happy you've decided that you're going to give chatting a go still. I woke up this morning and had mixed feelings when I saw the email from you. I thought, is she replying and I've made her feel even worse after my last and it's going to be a bad email? When i read the first paragraph though, I was pretty damn excited to read the rest. I've been going absolutely crazy not being able to talk about my days with you. I was tempted to email you last night around 12.30am but figured as much as I wanted to, it wouldn't be fair, so I resisted. Anyway, think I've babbled on a bit there about pretty much nothing, but I'm glad you want to give this a go still. You're my first ever penpal. Your going away party sounds like it was an absolute blast. I'm really glad it went so well for you, the perfect way to leave New York."
He went on to talk about how great it was that my parents got to see the city. He also said, "I have heard the saying that everything is bigger in Texas but that sky sounds mind blowing. I'm trying to picture it in my head and I think I've got a kind of idea of what it's like from when I lived on top of a mountain in Cyprus and could just see for miles and miles but at the same time, I've got a different image of it. Sounds really nice though."
Then he talked about an Andrea Bocelli concert he'd been to recently where he was blown away by Bocelli's performance of Elvis's Falling in Love with You and Con Te Partrio. He talked about a new project he was working on a work that was going to save his company thousand and thousands of dollars a year. He commented on everything I'd said in my email, and told me about anything and everything that had gone on in his life since we'd last talked. The email was 2,042 words, and ended with "OK, I need to get my arse out of bed now to go to work. Can I just say that I'm REALLY REALLY REALLY happy that you still want to stay in touch like this. If it gets hard for you though, please do say because as much as I'm going to enjoy emailing you again, I want you to be OK with it all. I'm going to have an amazing day again after reading this."
I was so excited, I hit reply and started furiously typing a response. But then I stopped. If this was going to work out, we couldn't go back to the way things were. So I waited three days to respond.
In a way, Cayden was my diary. Although we tried to wait three days between emails, our emails were three times as long. Sometimes I'd scribble a word down on a post it and stick it on my desktop to remind me to tell Cayden about it. One day it said "Adventures." I knew he'd LOVE to hear about my upcoming adventures. My magazine features a different city in every issue with a handful of adventures to do when you visit, which meant I'd get to fly to some of these places, do these adventures, and write about them. I had finally found my dream job, and Cayden got to hear all about it. I ran off the peak of a mountain and flew 3,000 feet into the air during a paragliding adventure in Golden, Colorado, and went horseback riding through the mountains in one of the state's ghost towns. I went oystering and stand-up paddle boarding in Florida. Cayden got the earful well before the story was published.
He even told me about other girls.
"I met my mate for drinks and this girl was there too, as they are workmates. Anyway, we got on really well and laughed and joked and the group swapped numbers when we left. She wanted to meet up and I thought, we had a laugh so why not? I didn't realise that she really liked me though and wanted it to be a date. I then had to cancel on her because I don't want to be with anyone and she really didn't take too kindly to it. I explained that it's not a good time for me and she just wouldn't take no for an answer. In the end I just stopped texting because she just wouldn't accept that I don't want anything. My mate got some shit in work off her so he wasn't happy either. So much for honesty being the best thing."
To which I responded:
"Well, just because you don’t want a relationship right now doesn’t mean you can’t casually date someone. I mean, unless that’s not your thing. It’s not really my thing, but I’m not against it. I mean… we’re human beings… we have our needs :) But yeah, that whole casual thing gets awkward as soon as one of the people in the situation wants more out of it, which is probably bound to happen."
No, that isn't foreshadowing for my situation with Brady, in case you were wondering. It wasn't easy to hear him talk about girls, and Lord knows I didn't actually want him to causally date ANYONE. Just the thought of it put my stomach in knots. I know I said earlier that I was OK with just talking to him as friends, but that was a flat out lie. I still wanted him. Wanted him so badly. To get my mind off of that, I told him all about Brady.
At 6:10 am I woke up to my phone alarm. I turned it off and attempted to drag myself out of bed. After a few hours of light sleep, I had forgotten I was waiting for his email. I checked my phone out of habit, as I did every morning, still hanging on to some thread of hope that I'd have an email from him saying "I made a huge mistake. I have to see you. I'm on the next flight out." That wasn't the email I woke up to. This was:
"Whitney,
I'm soooooooooooooo happy you've decided that you're going to give chatting a go still. I woke up this morning and had mixed feelings when I saw the email from you. I thought, is she replying and I've made her feel even worse after my last and it's going to be a bad email? When i read the first paragraph though, I was pretty damn excited to read the rest. I've been going absolutely crazy not being able to talk about my days with you. I was tempted to email you last night around 12.30am but figured as much as I wanted to, it wouldn't be fair, so I resisted. Anyway, think I've babbled on a bit there about pretty much nothing, but I'm glad you want to give this a go still. You're my first ever penpal. Your going away party sounds like it was an absolute blast. I'm really glad it went so well for you, the perfect way to leave New York."
He went on to talk about how great it was that my parents got to see the city. He also said, "I have heard the saying that everything is bigger in Texas but that sky sounds mind blowing. I'm trying to picture it in my head and I think I've got a kind of idea of what it's like from when I lived on top of a mountain in Cyprus and could just see for miles and miles but at the same time, I've got a different image of it. Sounds really nice though."
Then he talked about an Andrea Bocelli concert he'd been to recently where he was blown away by Bocelli's performance of Elvis's Falling in Love with You and Con Te Partrio. He talked about a new project he was working on a work that was going to save his company thousand and thousands of dollars a year. He commented on everything I'd said in my email, and told me about anything and everything that had gone on in his life since we'd last talked. The email was 2,042 words, and ended with "OK, I need to get my arse out of bed now to go to work. Can I just say that I'm REALLY REALLY REALLY happy that you still want to stay in touch like this. If it gets hard for you though, please do say because as much as I'm going to enjoy emailing you again, I want you to be OK with it all. I'm going to have an amazing day again after reading this."
I was so excited, I hit reply and started furiously typing a response. But then I stopped. If this was going to work out, we couldn't go back to the way things were. So I waited three days to respond.
In a way, Cayden was my diary. Although we tried to wait three days between emails, our emails were three times as long. Sometimes I'd scribble a word down on a post it and stick it on my desktop to remind me to tell Cayden about it. One day it said "Adventures." I knew he'd LOVE to hear about my upcoming adventures. My magazine features a different city in every issue with a handful of adventures to do when you visit, which meant I'd get to fly to some of these places, do these adventures, and write about them. I had finally found my dream job, and Cayden got to hear all about it. I ran off the peak of a mountain and flew 3,000 feet into the air during a paragliding adventure in Golden, Colorado, and went horseback riding through the mountains in one of the state's ghost towns. I went oystering and stand-up paddle boarding in Florida. Cayden got the earful well before the story was published.
He even told me about other girls.
"I met my mate for drinks and this girl was there too, as they are workmates. Anyway, we got on really well and laughed and joked and the group swapped numbers when we left. She wanted to meet up and I thought, we had a laugh so why not? I didn't realise that she really liked me though and wanted it to be a date. I then had to cancel on her because I don't want to be with anyone and she really didn't take too kindly to it. I explained that it's not a good time for me and she just wouldn't take no for an answer. In the end I just stopped texting because she just wouldn't accept that I don't want anything. My mate got some shit in work off her so he wasn't happy either. So much for honesty being the best thing."
To which I responded:
"Well, just because you don’t want a relationship right now doesn’t mean you can’t casually date someone. I mean, unless that’s not your thing. It’s not really my thing, but I’m not against it. I mean… we’re human beings… we have our needs :) But yeah, that whole casual thing gets awkward as soon as one of the people in the situation wants more out of it, which is probably bound to happen."
No, that isn't foreshadowing for my situation with Brady, in case you were wondering. It wasn't easy to hear him talk about girls, and Lord knows I didn't actually want him to causally date ANYONE. Just the thought of it put my stomach in knots. I know I said earlier that I was OK with just talking to him as friends, but that was a flat out lie. I still wanted him. Wanted him so badly. To get my mind off of that, I told him all about Brady.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
18. "Lock it up."
I couldn't hide the tears. They ran down my cheeks non stop, as if one had to follow the other to keep the world in motion. What was wrong with me? I had only met him two moths ago, why did I care if he didn't want to pursue a long-distance relationship with me? I felt like an idiot. I had talked him up too much to too many people. So many times people said, "This guy sounds way too good to be true," or "I'll see it when I believe it." They were never going to get to see it (him), so I was going to get a big, fat "I told you so" slap in the face. I thought about crawling under my desk and just hiding there, in that tiny cubicle on the seventh floor of that nondescript building on Third Avenue. Instead, I hit reply. I had nothing brilliant to say yet, and I wanted him to feel bad. I wanted him to feel worse than I was feeling.
"Wow. I really wish I wouldn't have opened this email at work. I don't hide my tears well."
I hit send.
Take that, asshole.
I grabbed my bag and called it a day. I had to try to think of a way to get my mind off of that email. I knew Cayden was probably in bed dreaming about football and fish and chips and whatever British jackasses dream about. I had been on cloud nine since I met him, but no one told me that that cloud would turn into a black, rolling cumulonimbus cloud that would unleash and rain all over the parade I call life.
On my way to the 4/5 train, I gave every man who passed me a dirty look. Surely each one of them had broken some girl's heart before, so they deserved it. I transferred to the L train at Union Square and squeezed in with the rest of the Brooklyn-bound travelers. Usually I like to sit there and guess who’s getting off at which stop, and judge them accordingly. But not today. The only thing I could focus on was not bawling on the L train. No one wants to be that girl.
I jumped off at the Lorimer stop and followed the other Lorimerites up the steps in and into the warm September air. My phone beeped and I saw that I had an email. He replied. Cayden was still awake.
“Oh no, I'm soooo sorry, Whitney. Reading your short reply then, my heart fell into my stomach. I hate making people feel like that. I feel so crap right now. It's not been easy for me to say this in the slightest because I know you'd be upset, as I am, too. But I need to think realistically about exactly where this would go. It's been on my mind since the party and it's been killing me inside. Like I said though, I've experienced the downs that a long distance relationship brings and feeling what I did on Saturday, before I've even seen you again, it'll be a hundred times worse in December and I don't want to feel that low again.
I hate the thought of you crying Whitney, I like the image of smiley and bubbly Whitney better :) I'm trying to think of things to crack you up with but I'm stuck at the moment. It's not been easy you know. I've not met a girl like you in ages but the situation just sucks completely. It's probably best I don't contact you for a bit so you can get used to it so I'll just wait to hear back in a few days.-Cayden”
I don’t know what I expected him to say, but that email made me furious. His mind was obviously made up. It just wasn’t fair. Why was the ball in his court? I gave up on fighting off the tears and just let them roll as they wished. My apartment was just across the street. I didn’t mind being that girl for a few more steps. I tried to blink away the tears so I could see well enough to unlock the door. Then I trudged up the three flights of stairs to my place, crying all the way. Part of me dreaded walking through my door because I knew I’d have to explain myself to Lea and Alexa. I just wanted to jump onto my bed and put a pillow over my head and cry into my sheets. I’m not the type to want sympathy or advice or hugs. I wanted to cry it out, and then talk shit about him, with one of my girlfriends chiming in with the obligatory “What a dick!” comments when needed. I’ve always been awkward at dealing with crying people. I usually don’t hug. When people come to me with their problems, my usual response is, “Wow, that sucks,” and my take-away advice is, “Lock it up. Get your shit together.” I needed someone to say that to me right then.
I knew I could count on Lea. We’re the same way when it comes to dealing with emotional trainwrecks. And Alexa loves talking shit. My roommates rock.
That night, I couldn’t go to sleep until I typed out everything I wanted to say to him. I was still furious, but Lea and Alexa helped me get my shit together. So my email was somewhat civilized. Without that chat it would have just been a bunch of F-bombs strung together with a period at the end. I take that back. It definitely would have been a exclaimation point.
“Cayden,
So, there are so many things running through my head... so many things I want to say to you, but not sure what I should say. But I feel like if I don't say anything, I'm just going to sit here and keep thinking about it and crying and never get any sleep. You were honest with me about what you're feeling, and as much as it
SUCKED to hear, I have to thank you for your honesty.
So I guess I should be honest with you.
I'm hurt. VERY hurt. I keep trying to tell myself that I shouldn't be hurt, because you're just some boy I met for a night or two a few months ago, and I'm just a random girl you met on holiday. But you weren't just some boy to me, so I can't pretend like that's the case. I feel stupid and embarrassed for thinking I might have been something more than that to you. I never should have gotten my hopes up about you. I knew it was going to be hard if we were going to pursue any kind of long distance thing, but I thought you were worth it. All relationships/friendships come with good things and bad thing —things
that can hurt you, and things that can make you feel 100 percent happy and comfortable and perfect. You get through the bad so you can experience the good. Yes, it was going to suck to say goodbye to you when you went back to London in December, but that week in December with you would have been worth it. I understand that you've been through this with your ex, but at least she got a chance. I don't even get that.
I can't explain how happy I've been since I've met you. Every day I had something to look forward to, either an email from you or a chance to sit down with my computer to email you about something that happened to me that day.I’ve been so damn happy. Yeah, I'd get a little bummed, or frustrated, that we couldn't be experiencing things together, but I was still overall happy at the thought that I could still email you, or even call you, and you'd be interested in what I was saying. Actually, whenever I got a little bit sad about the fact that you're not here, I would just think about December — all the things we were going to get to do together, what it would be like to actually be with you, and then I'd be perfectly happy again.
A while back ago we talked about how our situation sounded like a movie or a book. You said something like, 'Hopefully we won't have to wait too long to see how it ends :)." Well, I guess you were right about that. If it were up to me, the story would have ended much differently, but I guess you're the one writing this story, and I have no say in it.
You say you still want to talk to me via email, but the only thing that made talking to you via email bearable was knowing I'd get to see you soon enough. Without that, I can't do this. You may be able to detach your emotions like that, but I can't. I can't just turn that off and pretend like you're just another guy, just a friend I met one random weekend.
It hurts to think that you can. -Whitney”
I hit send, closed my computer, rolled over on to my stomach, and prayed for sleep.
"Wow. I really wish I wouldn't have opened this email at work. I don't hide my tears well."
I hit send.
Take that, asshole.
I grabbed my bag and called it a day. I had to try to think of a way to get my mind off of that email. I knew Cayden was probably in bed dreaming about football and fish and chips and whatever British jackasses dream about. I had been on cloud nine since I met him, but no one told me that that cloud would turn into a black, rolling cumulonimbus cloud that would unleash and rain all over the parade I call life.
On my way to the 4/5 train, I gave every man who passed me a dirty look. Surely each one of them had broken some girl's heart before, so they deserved it. I transferred to the L train at Union Square and squeezed in with the rest of the Brooklyn-bound travelers. Usually I like to sit there and guess who’s getting off at which stop, and judge them accordingly. But not today. The only thing I could focus on was not bawling on the L train. No one wants to be that girl.
I jumped off at the Lorimer stop and followed the other Lorimerites up the steps in and into the warm September air. My phone beeped and I saw that I had an email. He replied. Cayden was still awake.
“Oh no, I'm soooo sorry, Whitney. Reading your short reply then, my heart fell into my stomach. I hate making people feel like that. I feel so crap right now. It's not been easy for me to say this in the slightest because I know you'd be upset, as I am, too. But I need to think realistically about exactly where this would go. It's been on my mind since the party and it's been killing me inside. Like I said though, I've experienced the downs that a long distance relationship brings and feeling what I did on Saturday, before I've even seen you again, it'll be a hundred times worse in December and I don't want to feel that low again.
I hate the thought of you crying Whitney, I like the image of smiley and bubbly Whitney better :) I'm trying to think of things to crack you up with but I'm stuck at the moment. It's not been easy you know. I've not met a girl like you in ages but the situation just sucks completely. It's probably best I don't contact you for a bit so you can get used to it so I'll just wait to hear back in a few days.-Cayden”
I don’t know what I expected him to say, but that email made me furious. His mind was obviously made up. It just wasn’t fair. Why was the ball in his court? I gave up on fighting off the tears and just let them roll as they wished. My apartment was just across the street. I didn’t mind being that girl for a few more steps. I tried to blink away the tears so I could see well enough to unlock the door. Then I trudged up the three flights of stairs to my place, crying all the way. Part of me dreaded walking through my door because I knew I’d have to explain myself to Lea and Alexa. I just wanted to jump onto my bed and put a pillow over my head and cry into my sheets. I’m not the type to want sympathy or advice or hugs. I wanted to cry it out, and then talk shit about him, with one of my girlfriends chiming in with the obligatory “What a dick!” comments when needed. I’ve always been awkward at dealing with crying people. I usually don’t hug. When people come to me with their problems, my usual response is, “Wow, that sucks,” and my take-away advice is, “Lock it up. Get your shit together.” I needed someone to say that to me right then.
I knew I could count on Lea. We’re the same way when it comes to dealing with emotional trainwrecks. And Alexa loves talking shit. My roommates rock.
That night, I couldn’t go to sleep until I typed out everything I wanted to say to him. I was still furious, but Lea and Alexa helped me get my shit together. So my email was somewhat civilized. Without that chat it would have just been a bunch of F-bombs strung together with a period at the end. I take that back. It definitely would have been a exclaimation point.
“Cayden,
So, there are so many things running through my head... so many things I want to say to you, but not sure what I should say. But I feel like if I don't say anything, I'm just going to sit here and keep thinking about it and crying and never get any sleep. You were honest with me about what you're feeling, and as much as it
SUCKED to hear, I have to thank you for your honesty.
So I guess I should be honest with you.
I'm hurt. VERY hurt. I keep trying to tell myself that I shouldn't be hurt, because you're just some boy I met for a night or two a few months ago, and I'm just a random girl you met on holiday. But you weren't just some boy to me, so I can't pretend like that's the case. I feel stupid and embarrassed for thinking I might have been something more than that to you. I never should have gotten my hopes up about you. I knew it was going to be hard if we were going to pursue any kind of long distance thing, but I thought you were worth it. All relationships/friendships come with good things and bad thing —things
that can hurt you, and things that can make you feel 100 percent happy and comfortable and perfect. You get through the bad so you can experience the good. Yes, it was going to suck to say goodbye to you when you went back to London in December, but that week in December with you would have been worth it. I understand that you've been through this with your ex, but at least she got a chance. I don't even get that.
I can't explain how happy I've been since I've met you. Every day I had something to look forward to, either an email from you or a chance to sit down with my computer to email you about something that happened to me that day.I’ve been so damn happy. Yeah, I'd get a little bummed, or frustrated, that we couldn't be experiencing things together, but I was still overall happy at the thought that I could still email you, or even call you, and you'd be interested in what I was saying. Actually, whenever I got a little bit sad about the fact that you're not here, I would just think about December — all the things we were going to get to do together, what it would be like to actually be with you, and then I'd be perfectly happy again.
A while back ago we talked about how our situation sounded like a movie or a book. You said something like, 'Hopefully we won't have to wait too long to see how it ends :)." Well, I guess you were right about that. If it were up to me, the story would have ended much differently, but I guess you're the one writing this story, and I have no say in it.
You say you still want to talk to me via email, but the only thing that made talking to you via email bearable was knowing I'd get to see you soon enough. Without that, I can't do this. You may be able to detach your emotions like that, but I can't. I can't just turn that off and pretend like you're just another guy, just a friend I met one random weekend.
It hurts to think that you can. -Whitney”
I hit send, closed my computer, rolled over on to my stomach, and prayed for sleep.
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