Tuesday, June 29, 2010

51. Lesson not Learned

"So are you in love?" Shanna asked after hearing me blab on and on about London and Cayden.

I finished my last bite of my sandwich and though about how to answer. "Well, we haven't exactly said that yet," I answered. "I want to say it in person."

"So, that means you are, you just don't want to say it yet?" Her eyes lit up. She knew me too well.

"That means, I want to say it face to face. But I can't do that until he's here, which isn't until October."

It was the only answer I could give. To be honest, I was head over heels for him. I'd never felt this way about anyone. I'd never thought about moving in with anyone before. I'd never thought about marriage before. I'd never thought about the word soulmate before.

But I had said "I love you" before, and every time it ended badly. I wasn't going to say it to Cayden yet. I wasn't going to ruin it before it had a chance to become whatever it was supposed to become. It was like those three words were a curse for me. I didn't want to curse us. What we had was better than love, better than what one word, or three for that matter, could describe. Did I want to tell him I loved him? Sure. Did I think he loved me? I was almost positive. Did I think I could wait until October to say it? Realistically... no.

Apparently Cayden couldn't wait either. The next morning I woke up to this email from Cayden:

Good morning baby.

So I've managed to wake up early for the first time since you left my bed last week. It's been so difficult to wake up and get out of my bed, but this morning I made it. I'm not going for a run though. Instead, I have to reply to your email because I just read that post you left on your blog.

He had just read the post 45. Too Little, too Late? I was always a little anxious to hear what he thought about how I told our story.

It must have been sooooooo hard writing that blog because immediately as I started reading it, I felt this huge void inside me, the same one that was present on that Monday morning when you said you weren't sure about us. When I started feeling it, the same reaction came across me too, that stern face and me thinking that I've been an idiot for getting so close to you. As I got further down your blog, it just re-enforced the feelings that I've got for you as I read about what you had wrote. The fact that you'd fallen for me before you came to London, I felt the exact same but I just needed us to meet again in person to see if that was real, and it so definitely is the case.

I'll say.

That day at the gate, if you hadn't have been having doubts, I'd have told you that I loved you. If I'd have said it that day, it may have put pressure on you and I didn't want to do that...but it did kind of ruin my big moment too, punk, haha. I'm just 100 percent serious, though. I wanted to let you know in person, and I'll sure as hell be saying it in person when we see each other next, but to keep something so strong like that inside me for four months when I've been dying to say it for the past week, I can't. I've not been able to concentrate in work because it's been driving me insane wanting to say it but trying to hold it in.

Holy shit. He said it. He loved me.

You don't have to say it back if that's not how you feel. I'm just being 100 percent honest so you know where I stand. I'd set my life in concrete for the next year and half or so and was adament that I didn't want a girlfriend, my life was all planned out and I was really happy with it. You managed to make me forget about all of those plans and showed me something that mattered so much more. You opened up the feelings that I'd locked away for so long, and with it reminded me of the things I guess I want deep down....love, an amazing girl, a family of my own and to just be really happy. I just needed the right girl to bring it out of me and I can hand on heart say that you're definitely the right girl.

I am! Trust me, I am.

Hope you enjoy waking up to this email today...... I LOVE you, Whitney!

I started to write back, to tell him exactly how I felt about him. To tell him I loved him and I'd never been happier. But I stopped myself. I didn't want to curse us. I didn't want to say it yet. Especially via email. I'm not saying it's bad that he said it via email. I loved that it was bothering him so much that he just had to say it. It was perfect, and I really would have gone crazy if he'd waited until October.

But I had to tell him my way. And my way wasn't via email. It wasn't even over the phone. I actually had no idea what "my way" was. But I knew it would come to me.

So I left him hanging.

You'd think I would have learned not to do this.


  1. I LOVE your story! I stumbled accross it 2 nights ago and read all of your entries. I just had to get caught up before I went to bed! Can't wait for the next post!

  2. Try not to lose too much sleep :)