Thursday, June 24, 2010

48. Mr. What?

My phone alarm went off the next morning, and I silenced it without opening my eyes. Then I rolled over to reclaim my favorite spot, tucked into Cayden's arm, lying on his chest. But my cheek hit cold sheets instead. And my arm felt nothing but air until it landed on top of my comforter. I opened one eye and had a sinking feeling when I realized I wasn't in Cayden's bed, and he obviously wasn't in mine. I'd gotten so used to waking up to Cayden, Tic Tacs, and sex. Now I was waking up to an annoying phone alarm, an empty bed, and the dread of knowing I had to get up to go to work.

If I couldn't wake up to Cayden, I was going to have to readjust to the next best thing: My "Good Morning" emails from Cayden. I loved those emails. If I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, I'd always check my phone to see if he'd written to me yet.

The flashing light on my phone reassured me that my morning email was waiting for me.
But then I remembered. Shit, I said FOREVER to him the night before! Who says that?! Was I already the crazy, clingy girlfriend? We hadn't even been official for 24 hours and I'd already dropped the F-bomb.
I squeezed my eyes shut while the email loaded.

Well I think we've succeeded in typing our two longest emails in succession possibly, and also our most emotionally fueled and rambling ones, too.
So first of all, about freaking out over you saying you see this forever...I'm not freaked out! If I didn't think we had something that could last long term, we wouldn't be doing this at all. Forever would freak me out if we'd just met , but we've gotten to know so much about one another over the past year and that's why I think we have this feeling where it could last. It's not going to be easy with the distance thing but if we're thinking on the scale of forever, what's a few months between seeing each other really?

Oh thank God. He wasn't running for the hills. I wasn't a Stage 5 Clinger. Then I thought about the word Forever. Wow. I'd never said that to anyone or thought that about anyone ever in my life. Friends of mine used to say, "Nah, we broke up because he wasn't the one, so I figured there was no point in dragging it on." And I'd say, "Who the hell cares! We're young, go have fun! You don't have to worry about that yet. You need to live in the now." I never once dated someone because I thought they were going to be my future husband. That just wasn't in my dating criteria. I was always on the lookout for Mr. Right Now, Mr. Tonight.
But something changed.
Cayden's not Mr. Right Now. He's Mr. Everything-I've-Always-Wanted-But-Never-Knew-I-Wanted-Because-I'm-Too-Independent/Stubborn/Untrusting-To-Know-I-Wanted-Someone-Like-Him. Or, as others would say, Mr. Right.

So after you left, I actually came back into the terminal. I walked down the terminal to the departures gate, hoping you were still there but you had already gone through, unfortunately.

AH! Imagine if I had just waited a few more minutes! I could have told him everything I wanted to tell him and I wouldn't have had to endure that god-awful, never-ending plane ride of torture.

I actually thought about having them announce your name over the intercom. But I decided not to because that would have been so cliche, and I didn't want to cloud your thoughts. I wanted to give you the time you asked for.

Cliche!? No! That would have been like a movie! And then someone would cue the slow-mo music as I ran-pranced toward him with a giant smile on my face, tears in my eyes, into his open arms. But then again, knowing me I would have tripped over my own boots and face planted, knocking over a few handicapped people on the way down. Seriously. A prime example: When I was in Colorado the month before, I ran off the top of Lookout Mountain and flew 3,000 feet above Golden with my tandem paragliding pilot strapped to my waist. When it was time to land she said, "Just start running and keep running, then we'll slow to a stop." We were so close to the ground, but moving so fast. I ran as fast as I could, but probably looked ridiculous because we hadn't hit ground yet. Of course, once we did, my toe hit first and my body was too far ahead of my feet. So I FACE PLANTED, pulling my tandem pilot down on top of me. Oh, and then WE skidded on MY FACE for a good 20 feet. These are just the things that happen to me.

I feel happy and excited again, and I like this feeling I've got. We've got something really good to look forward to baby and I'm going to do whatever I can to make sure it happens between us. Right, I have to go get ready for work now. I may be a bit busy to reply in work today but you can bet your ass that I'll be on here after work to talk to my amazingly beautiful girlfriend.

Girlfriend. I was his girlfriend. He's my boyfriend. A stupid grin crossed my face.

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