32. Bittersweet Goodbye

This whole time, Cayden and I were still emailing every few days. We still talked about what was new in our lives, so he knew all about Addam. The email I sent Cayden right after Addam first mentioned Iraq was a rant about how I had shitty luck with men. I took it out on him. He responded with an apologetic email, saying I didn't deserve to have to deal with that again, apologizing for how badly he'd hurt me with his decision.
Out of the blue, Cayden added me as a friend on Facebook. It was weird that we had been talking for seven month and this hadn't happened sooner. I accepted.
This also meant we could use Facebook chat to talk instantly, instead of waiting for email replies. Our once-every-three-days emails turned into everyday chats. I was always shocked that we hadn't run out of things to talk about. I talked to him more than I talked to my mom, more than I talked to my friends. I could tell him anything. This also meant he had to put up with my complaining when things started going south with Addam.
---
Addam hadn't heard back about the job. His mood changed. He didn't talk about Iraq. His eyes stopped lighting up. He didn't come over when he got off work anymore. His cute text messages were few and far between. He was using his days off to sleep instead of to see me.
"I just need some time. Not time off from you, just time. Shit's fucked up and I feel like I've been treating you badly."
"Take your time. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help."
He didn't want help. He swore it had nothing to do with me, but refused to say anything else about what was going on in his life. I didn't hear from him the next day, or the day after that. That Friday my phone rang while I was at work. It was Addam, so I snuck into the conference room to answer it.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Whitney. What are you doing?"
"I'm at work. You?"
"Oh, I'll let you go then. Go back to work."
"No, it's fine. How are you?"
"Fine. My brother is moving back to Michigan, but other than that, nothing new."
"Is that what you're upset about?"
"Part of it. Now go back to work."
He sounded sad or bored. But he didn't try to make plans to see me. I never wanted to be the girl waiting by the phone. But I was that girl. All night and all the next day, finally I decided I needed to go out. Luckily my friend Katherine was in town from Houston and wanted me to meet her for dinner. At 8 pm Addam called.
"What are you doing?"
"Getting ready to meet my friend Katherine for dinner. You?"
"Oh, I guess I should have called you sooner. Just wanted to see if you wanted to hang out."
"Oh, sorry. Well, you're welcome to come to dinner with us. I'd love for Katherine to meet you."
"Nah, go have fun."
The next night he stopped by for about an hour. We didn't talk about anything important.
I talked to Cayden about it. I talked about how I was pissed Addam wouldn't confide in me. He couldn't expect me not to take it personally if he didn't even feel comfortable enough to talk about these things with me.
Cayden was always the perfect person to go to for advice. He could separate emotion from logic.
"Whitney, you have the perfect job. You love where you live. You have close friends, and you're close to your family. The next logical step for you is to want to share that with someone. You wanted to share that with Addam. But Addam hates his job, hates Texas, and now he doesn't even have his brother nearby. He shouldn't be in a relationship. He needs to be happy with himself and his life before he can be happy with anyone else."
Suddenly it all made sense. I couldn't make Addam happy. No matter how hard I tried, I could only make Addam like one aspect of his life. I couldn't make him like his job. I couldn't make him like Texas. It hurt, but it was relieving. It answered all the questions I couldn't ask Addam.
From that point on, I hoped and prayed he'd get the offer. That was the only thing that would make him happy at that moment. Also, I needed to break up with him. But were we even still together? Had he already broken up with me? Maybe this was one of those understood break ups. He texted me once that week to see what I was doing that night, and I had already made plans to go to a concert. That weekend I asked if I could see him on Sunday. He said, "I have to work." I said, "You're off at 2. Can I see you after that?" He said, "That should be OK."
That Sunday I went to brunch with my friend Maddy. She knew the Addam situation and agreed someone needed to break it off. As we were paying the bill, Addam texted me. "Something came up. I can't see you today."
Something came up? People really say that?
I texted him back, "Are you sure you don't have any time? I really wanted to see you."
He called me when I was in the car.
"What's so important that you want to see me?" he asked, sounding annoyed.
"Well, it's not a conversation I want to have over the phone."
"Why not? Just say what you want to say. But hurry, something really did come up, I can't talk long."
"Addam, are we even still together?" I asked, pissed we were really about to have this conversation on the phone.
"Um, I think you made it pretty clear we're not."
I was stunned.
"Excuse me? What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"You've bailed on me the last three times I wanted to hang out."
"Addam, bailing on you would imply that we had plans. But we didn't! You never made plans with me! You can't expect me to sit by the phone and wait for your call so I can drop everything I'm doing to see you when it's convenient for you."
"I never asked you to wait," he said with the most hurtful tone I'd ever heard him use.
So that's how it was going to be. We started out perfectly. Everything was perfect for months, and everything went to shit a matter of two weeks. I cried so hard that day, even though I was prepared for the break up. It was just a horrible feeling going from so happy to so sad. I drove to my parents house and spent the rest of the day there.
---

Three days later, Addam called to tell me he got the offer. He was moving to Iraq. He sounded happy, thrilled even. You would have never thought this Addam was the same Addam who had purposely made me feel terrible just days before. A huge wave of relief rolled over me. I had fallen in love with Addam, and I wanted nothing more than for him to be happy. He asked if he could see me on Sunday, the day before he left Texas to head home for a few weeks. Sure, maybe we could leave things on a peaceful note.
---
It was 75 degrees without a cloud in the sky that Sunday. Addam picked me up in his convertible and we went out for Thai food. He was smiling, laughing, fun. He was happy. We went back to my place and had mind-blowing sex. And then I was happy. Talk about leaving on a good note.

10.5 Why I usually don't trust men, cont.

Casey walked in my front door and I went into the kitchen to make a sandwich, hoping to keep my kitchen counter between us while I said what I wanted to say.
“So is that what you mean when you say, ‘If you really knew me, you wouldn’t like me’? Is that who you really are? An abusive woman beater?”
My hands were shaking as I spread the peanut butter onto my bread.
“So she told you. I knew I shouldn’t have left you two alone.”
“Casey, how could you?? How can you be so nonchalant about this?”
My voice was verging on the shrilll side.
“Well, she pissed me off. “
“Oh, she pissed you off so you hit her?”
“She doesn’t know when to quit. She just nags and nags and nags, and then I hit her.”
I couldn’t believe I was hearing this. How could this be the same Casey who cuddled me in bed every night, the same Casey who played basketball with my cousins after my sister’s wedding, the same Casey who stole my heart.
I concentrated on peanut butter, the jelly, the bread, the butter knife in my hand. These were the things that made sense. These were the things that didn’t change. Peanut butter was always peanut butter.
By the time I looked up Casey was behind me. It wasn’t until then that I realized my mistake. I was home alone. I was home alone with a person who was capable of kicking a girl in the ribs. A girl he loved.
I turned around to face him, gripping the butter knife as my only defense. He grabbed my wrists and held them against the counter behind me. I was pinned. He tried to kiss my neck.
“Casey, STOP. I’m serious, stop.”
Don’t panic, dont’ panic.
I tried to pry my hands out of his, but I knew he was stronger than me for sure. He tried to kiss my lips and I turned away, Letting him kiss my neck while I came up with a plan. If I screamed, who would hear me. I have a can of mace around here somewhere. Of course those things are never handy when you need them. Tori, my roommate, should be on her way home soon. She wouldn’t think twice about cutting his balls off. I think she’d actually look forward to it.
I knew if I panicked, I’d be completely defenseless, but I knew I couldn’t let this happen. So I gathered all my strength, took a deep breath, and shoved against him as hard as possible, freeing my hands.
He laughed. It was an evil laugh.
“You think you’re stronger than me? That’s cute,” he said through laughs.
“Leave. Leave right now.”
I heard Tori’s key in the front door and felt instantly safer. She walked in wearing her work uniform, her arms fulll of school books.
”You would not believe the day I had at work today,” she started, and then saw the look in my eye that screamed HELP.
She looked at me, then looked at him. Then she came into the kitchen, opened the knife drawer and pulled out the largest, sharpest knife we own.
“What are you doing?” Casey asked, no longer amused.
Then she opened the fridge and pulled out an apple.
“Oh, just cutting fruit, is that OK with you?”
She kept her eye on him as she sliced through the apple, right through the core, splitting it in half. An example of what she’d do to his balls if he tried anything.
“Casey, leave. Now.”
Tori’s knife was dripping with apple juice.
“Yes, I think it’s about time you left, Casey.”
“Fuck this,” Casey said as he grabbed his keys and stormed out the door.

Never again would I trust another boy. Never again would I give my heart away. That happened about two and a half years ago. After that night, I tried to help Katie get away from him, but he convinced her I was just trying to get him all to myself. She believed him. She loved him. Love is a twisted thing.

I still talk to Casey today. I still talk to Katie today. You’ll be happy to know that today Katie is stronger and more beautiful than ever. She’s in a trusting relationship with a man who treats her like a princess. Casey hasn’t hit a girl since August 10, 2009. He admitted to me that out of al the girls he’d ever been with, I was the only one he hadn’t hit. I asked him why.
“I never wanted to.”