24. Free Panties

Now not only did I miss Cayden, but I was also sexually frustrated. Not a good combination. I'd find myself thinking about him when I'd fall asleep at night, knowing he'd be waking up within the hour to start his day. I'd close my eyes and have flashbacks of the night we spent together. They were getting fuzzier and the details were fading, so I wrote it all down (which you read earlier). I still checked my phone all the time, and I'd get all excited to see I had an inbox message waiting for me. Then my heart would sink when I'd see it's just another Victoria's Secret free panty offer. Why the fuck do I need sexy panties? Not like anyone was going to see them! I wanted to e-mail VS and tell them to stop with the torture.

Things were going great at work. I was loving my job and making friends with my coworkers easily. We'd drink beer at our cubicles on Fridays and go out to lunch as a group on Mondays. There were so many things I wanted to tell Cayden about. I commuted an hour and a half to work and an hour and a half back. It was too much thinking time. I needed to get an apartment closer to work, stat. First I needed to buy my own car, not that I didn't fully enjoy driving dad's Honda CRV for free. It was like driving a toy Tonka truck. Turn too fast and you'll end up on two wheels. But it got great gas mileage. I had no idea what kind of car I wanted. The only car I'd ever wanted was a Mitsubishi 3000GT, and I'd already bought two of those. They were beautiful, but unreliable. It was time for a big-kid car. So I bought an Infinity G35 Coupe. I snapped a picture of it and almost sent it to Cayden, but stopped myself. He wouldn't care I bought a car. He didn't want me. Wonderful--Cayden didn't want me and Brady didn't want to have sex with me. But everything else in my life was perfect. I guess sometimes you just can't have it all. But at least I got my free panties.

One night on my way home from work, mom called.

"Do you want tilapia or chicken for dinner?"
"Hmm, tilapia. I should be home in about an hour or so."
"Traffic's that bad?"
"Yeah. Mom?"
"Yes?"
"I miss Cayden."
"So why don't you email him?"
"What? No! I can't just be his glorified pen pal. No, thanks! If he doesn't want me, I just have to deal with it."
"Whitney, you know it's not that he doesn't want you, he just can't be with you right now. That doesn't mean you can't have a friend in London who's excited for you when you tell him how your day was."

She had a very valid point. I hadn't thought of it that way. Looking back, all of our emails had been strictly friendly anyway aside from the occasional "I can't wait to be back in bed with you," or "I just want to kiss you again," comments leading up to the trip he was planning to Texas. So, was it possible for us to go back to that? Talk like we used to, just with the understanding that we probably won't see each other again? Just the thought of being able to wake up to his emails again sent a jolt through my body. I had to do it. I had to email him right then. I almost pulled over on the side of the road to email him from the car, but decided against it. I'd go home, enjoy dinner, talk to mom more about it, maybe call one of my sisters, and then sleep on it.

October 20, 2009
It had been a month since we'd last talked. I caved.

(Just a heads up to my readers: You'll probably find this email VERY boring, so feel free to skim it. Reading over it now I almost fell asleep.)

"So, after having a lot of time to sit and think about it, I decided I want to try to talk to you as a long-distance friend, rather than not at all. I've gotten over the fact that we're not going to be anything more than that, and I think I can handle that. I've just really missed being able to email you and talk to you about all the big things that have been happening in my life, not in a romantic way, but just in a I-can't-wait-to-tell-you-about-this way. Do you think we can give that a try?

I figure there's really no reason not to keep in touch and to lose the friendship that formed over these past few months just because we probably won't see each other again. It's still fun to have a long-distance pen pal to hear from every now and again. So no, we probably shouldn't talk 3 times a day or anything like that, but I'd love to hear from you every now and then.

Just a few updates from the last time we talked. My going away party was INCREDIBLE. SO many people came and it was absolutely perfect. At the beginning of it, it was really chill, just my really close friends dressed up all fancy enjoying drinks on the roof. By the end of the night, oh man, we were dancing like crazy people until 6 am! Remember that band Akudama I talk about sometimes? (I was in their music video) Well, the singer came to my party and played a few songs privately just for me. It was so beautiful, I almost cried. Then he partied with us until 6. He's so musically talented it's unbelievable.

Then on Sunday morning, I woke up to my phone ringing like crazy. It was my mom calling. She said she was downstairs and to buzz her up! My parents came and surprised me!! I was SO EXCITED! I was pretty sad that I was going to move before they got to see Brooklyn and meet my friends here. They were in Rhode Island for my dad's high school reunion, and it was only 3 hours away, so they decided to drive over to Brooklyn for the day before they flew back to Texas the next day.
So I got to show them the apartment, and then they took me, Lea, Alexa, Christian, and Scott out for brunch, and then I took them to the pier where you can look at Manhattan from the water. I had never been to the pier before, and I regret that, because the view was something else. They loved my friends here, and loved my roof, but thought my apartment was really small. Haha, little did they know that was HUGE for an NYC apartment.

So, anyway, I finished up work on Tuesday and said goodbye to all of my coworkers without crying. Then I packed up my room on Wednesday and said bye to everyone else without crying. I don't know how I managed to do that, because I really thought I'd be an emotional wreck.
So, have you ever heard the saying that "everything's bigger in Texas?" Well, besides the houses and things like that, I realized today that it's the sky that blows my mind. The sky goes on FOREVER. It's so big and vast, like you can see on and on. It feels strange, actually. I mean, it's beautiful, yes, but at the same time, it makes me feel very exposed. I know it sounds crazy, but it's almost a creepy feeling. Even the sun was HUGE! I don't know if I've ever seen the sun that big before. Sure made for a colorful (and HUGE) sunset though.

Well, I'm sure I just bored you with a long, random email, before I even gave you the chance to say if you wanted to keep talking or not. So.... if you'd rather not talk to me, I understand, and just don't respond to this email. But I'd love to hear what's been going on in your life. Hope to hear from you."

Then, I waited.

6. America's Favorite Pastime

I walked into my room just as he was pulling his shirt over his head. If I were a cartoon, my eyes would have bulged out of my head and the Klaxon submarine horn would have sounded, "AAOOOOOGAH." His stomach was perfectly flat, abs defined, his waist narrow, with those perfect V-line indentations leading from the top of his hip and disappearing into the white band of his boxer briefs. I couldn't wait to get his jeans off.
So much for just making out.
He tossed his shirt next to my bed and caught me gaping at him.
"Is this OK? I can sleep with my shirt on if you'd like."
I closed the door behind me and hit the light switch at the same time. Luckily I could still see him with the early-morning light coming through my window. In three strides I was in front of him, backing him against the bed.
"I have a strict no-denim policy in my bed," I said as I reached for the button of his pants. He held my face between his hands, tilted my face up to his, and kissed me while I successfully managed to undo the button and zipper without any awkward fumbles, bent-back fingernails, or "Uh, a little help here?" comments. Well, that was a first.
Once I pulled his jeans to mid-thigh they fell easily to the floor. He freed his feet and kicked his pants to the side without breaking the kiss. I put my hands on his toned stomach and ran them up to his rock-hard chest. Then I gave him a forceful shove, and he was half sitting, half lying on my bed before he knew what hit him. I knelt down on the bed, straddling him. He sat up, putting his hands under my shirt, lifting it up slowly, as if he were teasing himself. I held my arms up to give him the go ahead to take it off. It landed next to his jeans.
"Wow." He said as he held me away from him, eyeing me. Shit, I didn't even have time to suck it in. I hope my boobs looked awesome to distract him from what was surely going on at my pants line. No matter what, sitting without a shirt on in your snug white shorts is never cute. I cursed myself for not thinking about unbuttoning my pants before I hopped on. Thank god for my 36D distractions. His hands slid up the middle of my back as he pulled me closer to kiss the part of my distractions that were nicely perked above my bra. (Thank you, Victoria's Secret Very Sexy push-up)
I pushed him back down on the bed and kissed him hard as his hands reached for the button on my shorts. Yes, please.
I was suddenly grateful I had changed into the black lacy cheeky panties and black push-up bra before meeting up with him. You know, just in case. I wondered if he had put thought into his white, ribbed, Calvin Klein boxer briefs. He added my shorts to our growing pile of denim and cottons.
"Wow," he said again, looking at me in just my unmentionables. Or maybe he was saying "Ow." Shit, was I crushing him??
"Wow, what?"
"Your curves are amazing. Absolutely amazing." (Sidenote: It's really hard to write about something someone said about my own body. Yes, this is awkward.) That same look returned to his eyes. The look he had on my roof when he was trying to take a mental picture of the Manhattan skyline. He wanted to freeze the image of me on top of him in his mind, for as long as it would last. I planned on doing the same thing to him later, only with my camera phone. (Yes, I'm serious.)
He pulled me down close to him, and his hands went for the claps on the back on my bra.
"Ah-ah. No sir. First base only."
"First base? What does that mean?" He looked truly confused.
Ah yes, baseball is AMERICA's favorite past time. Not the UKs. Maybe they use football (soccer) field locations to describe their sexual activities. (Making out is the sideline, you know, the one by the home team's bench. No, not the other bench. That's a whole different sexual scenario)
"You don't know the base system?"
His confused expression was adorable. Sounds like someone needed a lesson in Base Running 101. Just call me Coach Whitney.
"Well. this is first base." I kissed him again, pressing my hips against his, feeling how eager he was to round to second. He rolled me over and I ran my hands all over his perfectly sculpted stomach. His kisses were passionate and playful at the same time. Not usually words I use to describe other base-runners who have made their way to my bedroom. There was just something different about Cayden. I wish I could put my finger on what it was. Instead I put my finger in his waistband. I reluctantly pulled away from one of his kisses.
"And this is second..."