Wednesday, August 10, 2011

210. AM Redemption

I woke up in the same position I'd fallen asleep, sprawled out on my back, completely naked. Not exactly the sexiest of sleeping positions. There's a cute way and a not so cute way to sleep naked, and let's just say I missed the mark completely on the whole "cute naked" thing.

Cayden must have rolled over at some point in the night because he was just beginning to stir from under the covers on his stomach. How could he be under the covers? It was nearly 100 degrees in my room. I felt my sheets sticking to my backside with sweat. Also not cute.

I could tell Cayden was seconds away from waking up, so I tried to reposition to "cute naked" by putting my legs together and draping one arm across my ribs. He opened his eyes before I could master the position and caught me somewhere between "not cute naked" and "forced cute naked."

"Babe," he said, with a half smile on his sleepy face. I thought his amusement was at my awkward positioning, but it wasn't.


"You snored SO LOUD last night!" he said while his face broke into a full smile and a laugh escaped his lips.

"I mean, like, LOUD. And not just last night," he said, stil laughing, "all through the night!"

Turns out, my "not cute naked" positioning was the least of my not cute characteristics that night.

"It's because I slept on my back!" I said, slapping his shoulder playfully. "I never sleep on my back because my tonsils block my airway!"

"Aw, I forgot how much I missed you," he said sarcastically, rolling over to pull me against him.

I pictured the cat scan my doctor had shown me before my sinus surgery. "Look here," she'd said, pointing to a frame filled in mostly with black with a small gray circle in the middle, the width of a pencil. "That's your airway when you're on your back. Your tonsils come together, your tongue slides back, and this is all you have to work with."

Well, no wonder I snore like a dinosaur.

"I swear I'm going to get my tonsils out now that I've recovered from the sinus surgery," I said, as I tried to push him away from me while he tried to pull me in. "Knock it off," I said, laughing. "It's too damn hot to cuddle."

"Who said anything about cuddling?" he asked, and I noticed that devilish look back in his eye. I took a quick glance down my body and was happy to see that the bright red crime scene that was my hoo-ha had returned to its normal color. Then I reached behind me and grabbed the Lifesaver mints from my headboard, popped two in my mouth before passing the roll Cayden. I wasn't about to add morning-breath sex to my "not cute naked" sleep and my all-night Jurassic Park soundtrack.

I needed to redeem myself and find my inner sexy, so I flung myself on top of Cayden and I was straddling him before he knew what hit him.

"Oh, you're taking the reigns on this one?" he asked, almost surprised, then leaned up to kiss me.

"Oh, shut up," I said, pushing him back down and taking control. I usually let him have the top, and I tried to tell myself it was so he could feel powerful and I could feel dominated. Truth was, I had no rhythm and apparently I was born without quadriceps.

It was rather convenient that we were both already naked, and he was clearly already ready to go. I guess not even my man-like snoring could squash his morning wood. (Thanks for the self-esteem boost, Woody!)

I pulled his hands up to my boobs and got to work.

Now, I wish I could tell you I fell onto my back 15 minutes later, slick with sweat and panting because I'd just rocked his world. But let's be honest here. I fell onto my back about 3 minutes into it, slick with sweat and panting because I was nearing an asthma attack and it was 100 degrees and my thighs were burning too badly to hold me up.

But Cayden saved the day with his impeccable upper and lower body strength, healthy lungs, and surprisingly not-so-white-boy rhythm.

While we lay there basking in the post-sex tingles, I made two mental notes to myself:

1. Schedule a tonsillectomy

2. Get my ass to the gym



  1. I just had my tonsils out two weeks ago... brace yourself, recovery for me was awful! Days 1-9 were a blur of unrelenting misery, so make sure you schedule lots of time off. It definitely sounds like you need the surgery though, your tonsils sound WAY worse than mine did, eek!

  2. Oh god. It's that bad?? I've heard horror stories...
    My surgery is Sept. 1. So just a couple weeks away!
    I only took two days off work (Thursday and Friday, and then Monday is a Holiday) so I was hoping to work from home on Tuesday and then try to get back to the office by Wednesday. Am I insane for thinking that will work?

    Any tips?
    I've heard to eat banana popsicles because they're less acidic than the other ones. Chicken broth... what else?

  3. I've been reading for quite some time now. I love reading about all of your crazy stories, and you've inspired me to kind of write my own! Only mine is about all guys, not just one in particular. I hope you'll have some time to check it out!

  4. Oops I just saw your comment now, sorry about that! I guess you're on day 3 of recovery at this point? I hope you're not doing too bad :(

    Originally I tried only taking 5 days off work (my surgery was on a Weds, and I was going to go back the following Weds). I ended up not going back on Weds and taking the rest of that week off. 8 days off total, plus 4 weekend days. What a NIGHTMARE!! I think it depends what method they use to remove your tonsils though... a lot of people who had them removed with scalpels said recovery was short for them, but I had mine cauterized.

    Honestly, it hurt to eat ANYTHING those first 9 days. I was a mess. Soup hurt, popsicles hurt, ice cream was excruciating (I think the colder the food was, the more it hurt). I recommend apple juice and jello, and also maybe slim fast shakes or chocolate milk. Those worked best for me. Also at some point I started eating saltines a lot, because they are easy to break down when chewing, and swallow with a gulp of water (plus I was sick of liquids, haha).