Monday, April 18, 2011

187. Please?

From: (Cayden)
To: (Whitney)
Date: Sun, Feb 20, 2011 at 7:13 AM
Subject: I hate goodbyes

Hey baby

I'm guessing you'll get this when you arrive in Washington. Hope your flight went well and your illness didn't cause you too much bother.

So today was BY FAR the worst goodbye I've had. Sorry I didn't say much but I was trying to hold back my tears. If I'd have let it out, I'd have blubbered like such a baby, haha. I went to the toilet after you went through and had to sit there for a little while to sort myself out. I can normally lock it up but it was hard today. Even on the train back I just wanted to let it out.

I had such a lovely time in Rome with you, it was the perfect way to spend Valentines day. I wish you hadn't been ill though after Rome because that sucked. You really didn't seem yourself at all and I wasn't sure what to do. You seemed so distant and I wasn't sure if it was just from being sick or if you were having doubts about us. My mind has been going round in circles the past day or so, thinking up possible scenarios of what could happen. When you asked me how I was feeling when we left my place today, I wasn't too sure.

Seeing you cry makes it so difficult for me at times because I don't want to make you sad. I love you so much, it's crazy, and I want everything with you and for you to be happy. When you're sad and distant though, I just wonder if it's what you really want still. I'm just used to seeing you happy and cuddly, so seeing this side of you was difficult to deal with, I'll admit.

Thinking the above is probably what made the goodbye harder for me today. For long distance to work we both have to really want each other and at the moment, I'm not sure if it was just you being sick that made you distant or if you're having doubts. I wouldn't be thinking this if we were in a normal relationship but in long distance, it's a bit different. Maybe I'm being silly but it's what's going through my mind.

That's what's going through my mind right now anyway. All I know is that I love you more than anything and my feelings are still the same. Yes, it's soooo difficult at times doing distance but I really want what's at the end of it, a great life with you!

I'm just off to meet Topher for a couple of afternoon beers now.

Let me know when you get to Washington.

I love and miss you soooo much.


I was, in fact, in Washington. My eyes were nearly swollen shut because I'd cried for most of the 7-hour plane ride. Flight attendants brought me tissues and blankets. The person in front of me gave me ibuprofen when the flight attendant said she wasn't allowed to. I was a shit show.

I'd almost locked it up by the time I opened that email while standing in line to board my flight to Dallas. The second I read "When you're sad and distant though, I just wonder if it's what you really want still," the floodgates opened once again. Tears streamed down my face and I tried to blink them away so I could read the rest. "NOOOO, you idiot!" I wanted to scream into the phone.

"Ma'am, your ticket?"

I looked up from my phone to see the ticket-taker eyeing me cautiously. I wiped my nose on my sleeve and handed her my ticket.

"Are you going to be OK, ma'am?"

I nodded my head, even though I wasn't sure. My head throbbed, and I felt like my eyes might actually bulge out of their sockets and roll down the walkway like golf balls at the putt-putt course. My neck hurt so badly it couldn't hold my head up much longer.

I readjusted my shoulder bag and made my way down the jet bridge, dragging my feet on the gray carpet. I looked like someone straight out of a "Depression hurts. You don't have to" commercial.

I wanted to call Cayden and tell him he was an idiot, I wasn't having any doubts, and my feelings for him would never change. But I knew I didn't have the time or the privacy to make such a call. I would have been escorted off the plane for being belligerent. Instead, I hit "reply" on my phone.

From: (Whitney)
To: (Cayden)
Date: Sun, Feb 20, 2011 at 1:52 PM
Subject: Love you so much

Crying on the plane thinking about you. I'm ready to spend my life with you. I hate waiting. I love you.

I hit send and then turned my phone off just as a flight attendant was giving me a disapproving look. I wanted to throw the phone in her face. I leaned against the window and prayed for the trip to be over.


From: (Cayden)
To: (Whitney)
Date: Sun, Feb 20, 2011 at 2:03 PM
Subject: Re: Love you so much

Ah baby, that answers my questions :)

I love you soooo much and want to spend my life with you too. Today has been one of the hardest days ever for me. Just got back home from seeing Topher and my room looks so empty without you in it. I'd take a sick and quiet you in my room over no you.

I miss you too much


From: (Whitney)
To: (Cayden)
Date: Sun, Feb 20, 2011 at 10:06 PM
Subject: Re: I hate goodbyes

I hate goodbyes, too, baby. And yes, todays sucked extra hard. I honest to god wasn't having any doubts about us whatsoever. I'm so so so sorry you got that in your head. I was distant because I'm seriously so freakin sick everything hurts. My skin hurt when you touched me. My throat hurt so badly every time I talked to you. My fever spiked when you cuddled me because you're so damn hot. And I was so just completely out of it. I've seriously never been this sick in my life before. I've had strep throat a number of times, but never like this. That's why I'm afraid it's mono...

On top of being sick, I was pissed that I was sick because that's not at all how I wanted to spend my time with you! Yes, Rome was amazing, and Im so glad we at least have that to look back on. It was so incredible and there's no one I would have rather been in Rome with. I wanted to spend my London time laughing and having fun with you and hanging out with Topher and everyone. I was sooo pissed I couldn't muster up the energy to do ANYTHING. I can't even explain how sick I felt when I did go out when we were in London, but I wanted to go out with you. I didn't want to stay in bed all day.

I love you to death. THANK YOU SO MUCH for everything. Thank you for taking me to Rome. Thank you for taking care of me. Thank you for making me feel beautiful. Thank you for letting me laugh at you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for EVERYTHING.

I'm still feeling awful, so I'm going to bed and then heading to CareNow first thing in the morning. I miss you soooooooo much baby. I just want to live with you now. I don't want to wait any longer. Come live with me. Come start your life with me.




  1. i never post a comment but how cute is the end of this one :)

  2. Glad you finally posted a comment! Ha, but begging and snotting is NOT cute.

  3. awwwww. there's something about this post that is extra raw, emotional, and real. I love it.

  4. Yeah, I almost didn't post these emails because they're so raw. But I just could't retell the story without them. A BIG thanks to Cayden for letting me share his mushy love notes :)

  5. Oh good grief, I should have grabbed tissues before I read this! Now I'm the blubbering, snotty baby. This is so sweet and real and true. I love that you post real emails between you two, and that you are willing to share your whole story with us. This is by far the best blog I've read, and not only because I'm a sucker for love, but because it's a true one. I'm getting married to my "Cayden" in June, and reading your blog makes me constantly remember how lucky I am. Thank you for that!

  6. So sweet! I love it! It's cute that you were both thinking the same thing! Chris & I have the exact same worries about being long distance - I love that we worry about the same things.

  7. whew, this clears up a lot!

    i was so nervous when you got on the plane! as i'm sure you were too. :)

    i'm so glad things worked themselves out. you guys rock at communication.