Tuesday, August 3, 2010

71. Joy Ride

Did I love him back? Had I fallen for him? Was there a reason I called him when I wasn't feeling well instead of one of my girlfriends?

I slid the ring onto my index finger and it fit perfectly. Maybe that was a sign. People always say you should marry your best friend. No, it wasn't an engagement ring by any means, but I quickly tried to picture us together. People always said we'd make the cutest couple ever. We were both tall, goofy, outgoing, free-spirited, slightly obnoxious people. We were both half white and half something else. Hell, we were both born in Sept. 28, 1985. That had to count for something.

I shook my head and reminded myself that my dad would be here within the hour to drive with me up to St. Louis. I also reminded myself that I had given up guys. Oh, and don't think for one second I'd forgotten about the shit show that went down with Casey the night before. I couldn't do this. I needed "me time."

I actually loved being single, and I think that was one of the main reasons I'd gotten caught up with Casey. With him, I knew I never had to commit. The thought of being with WIll was such a commitment. And that scared the shit out of me.

I decided I'd call him from the road. Cruising on the open highway would give me a chance to clear my mind, a chance to think about things, think about Will.

Ten minutes into my drive, Casey called. I ignored it. He called again. And again. I decided to shut my phone off, crank up the music, and let the warm July air throw my hair around as I left my college town behind me. Dad and I rocked out to a random mix on my iPod, including Gretchen Wilson's "Redneck Woman," DMX's "Party Up," and Billy Joel's "Uptown Girl." Hey, I said it was random, didn't I? I felt free and wonderful and happy.

By the time we pulled up to my aunt and uncle's house in STL, I knew what I had to do. I had to give Will the ring back. I had to break his heart. I'd always said if anyone hurt my Will I'd kill them. But suicide wasn't really my thing.

My dad and uncle helped me carry my bags into my new basement apartment for the summer. It was quite homey. There was a pull-out bed, a nightstand, a TV with OnDemand, and a complete workout center. My uncle was to be my new personal trainer. (I lasted through about three workouts and then avoided him like the plague.)

Once I was all set up, I turned on my laptop and logged into Facebook. Just as I hoped, Will was online. I know you're about to judge me for wanting to break his heart via Facebook chat, but when it comes to emotions and serious shit, I'm a much better writer than talker. So in all honesty, this really was the best way.

Me: Hey Will, you there?

Will: Yeah. What up, kid?

Me: I just got to St. Louis, unpacking and what not.

Will: Glad you made it there safely!

Me: Yeah. So... I'm sorry I'm doing this online, but it's the easiest way for me to say everything I want to say. I love you to death, and you know that. But right now, its not in the same way you love me. Your note was beautiful, and the ring, well, that's beautiful, too. But right now, I need a break from boy drama. I can't get into a relationship right now, especially not a long distance thing.

Will: I see, I see. You gotta do you. Nothing wrong with that.

Me: We're best friends, and when I get back, I don't want that to change. I'm just shook up from the Casey thing, and this really caught me off guard. But you're one of the greatest guys I know and I'm sorry if any of this is hurting you. I feel awful.

Will: Don't worry. You know me, I'll be fine.

Me: You have to take the ring back.

Will: No.

Me: Please take the ring back.

Will: It's your ring. I bought it for you. You can throw it away if you want to, but I don't want it. It's yours.

I looked down and saw that I hadn't taken the ring off yet. It really was beautiful. I planned on putting it back in the box and giving it back to Will next time I saw him.

But I was in love with the ring. Maybe I'd just try it on for the summer...

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