Saturday, May 22, 2010

17. Organ failure

Flying back to NYC, I was having mixed feelings. I accepted the position. I’d be starting my new job on September 28, which just happened to be my 24th birthday. How was I going to tell Lea, Alexa, and Christian? I knew they’d be so pissed. I couldn’t imagine not seeing them every day.
Also, how in the hell was I going to plan a romantic week in Texas instead of NYC? Cayden said he’d be fine with visiting me no matter where I lived, but I knew he had his little British heart set on NYC. He sounded genuinely thrilled for me when I called him after I got the job offer. He was one of my biggest cheerleaders.

At 12:01 am, his time, I called him to wish him a happy birthday. I was the first person to say it to him. He thanked me over and over again for the poem and the DVDs. I started to wonder if the poem even rhymed when read in a British accent. Oh well, nothing I could do about it now. He talked about how excited he was for his Birthday Bash that weekend. I just wished I could have been there. He said he’d start looking at flights to Texas in December because he couldn’t wait to see me. I hung up the phone with the biggest smile on my face. He was all I thought about all day. All I talked about. The feelings I had for him were overwhelming.

September 15, 2009, I was sitting at my desk at work. One week until moving day. I was arranging all of my files, getting ready to hand them off to Suzanne, who’d be taking them over when I left. It was almost 5 p.m. when I saw that I had a new email from Cayden. A smile spread across my face, as it did every time I saw a new email from him.
I dropped what I was doing and started reading.

“I've not booked my flights over to the US yet, and if I’m completely honest with you, I’m having second thoughts about it now...”

My heart literally dropped. Tears sprung to my eyes before I could stop them. I was about to have a breakdown at work. Talk about going out with a bang. I forced my eyes away from the screen and tried to fan my face with my hands to dry the tears before they overflowed my eye lids. My face was burning, and I had a lump in my throat that almost choked me. I was praying no one would walk by my desk. I tried to convince myself to close the email and read it when I was alone in my room at home. But I felt like I was going to throw up. If I didn’t read that email, I was going to throw up at my desk, or on the L train on the way home. I took a deep breath, promised myself not to have a breakdown, and I read on.

 ”...This weekend was really hard for me because I had such a good time and I didn't get to spend any of it with you. It reminded me again of when I was in Cyprus and my ex was in England and being away from each other actually just made me feel down a lot. It's really really crap because I really like you Whitney, but this weekend I started thinking about it realistically. If I come over there in December, I know that we'll hit it off in an amazing way and leaving will be hard, but when I get back I'll just be in a really down mood because I'll want to be with you...”

I had to stop reading right there. I was shaking. I was furious. There’s not a word to describe how I was feeling. I took a few more deep breaths and continued reading.

“...Then there's the issue with how often I'll get to see you after that. Flying over to the states every few months will be costly, you don't have too many holidays to take either, and my realistic chances of getting over to the states are, let’s admit it...slim at the moment. I spoke to a guy on Saturday who also wants to get over to the states and for a US H-1B visa to be granted, you either have to work for a company here and get transfered or have a specialist skill such as being a computer programmer or accountant because you've to be able to prove that there's no US person available with that skill...”

I wanted to punch him.

“...I spoke to Brenda who's marrying Gary too at the weekend. I told her about you and she thought it was amazing and said that she met Gary when she lived in Sweden and moved over here to be with him. She said he flew over every two weeks because it was only 2 hours away and was cheap but said that if they weren't seeing each other that often, it would have not worked...”

I wanted to punch Brenda.

“...I'll have a think about December and let you know for sure in a few days when I’ve had more time to think it through, but I just want to be honest about how I feel about it. If the situation was different and we lived closer, or if i was in a better situation to move, I think it'd be great but I've tried to detatch my feelings from the situation and think logically now. Having that empty feeling this weekend where I couldn't spend the time with you took me back to living in Cyprus and I promised myself i'd not put myself in a situation to ever feel like that again.  Since New York I’ve been in a good mood generally and not had that feeling, but now it's hit, I’ll be honest and say I hate it. I'm SOOOOOOOOO sorry Whitney, I feel awful about this...”

My editor walked by my cubicle. I was so absorbed in the email, I didn’t see her or have time to blot my tears or fan my face. I finally saw her out of the corner of my eye. She was standing on the other side of the glass of my cubicle.
“Are you OK?” she mouthed.
I nodded, told her it was nothing, and waved her off.

 ”...Regardless of whether or not I decide to come in December, I still want to stay in touch because I enjoy what we have by email but I’ve to try and detatch myself emotionally because it's just too difficult otherwise.

Sorry again for this email not being the best of news, I'll try and give you a call tomorrow or something if I can take lunch around 1.30ish. -Cayden”

I suddenly hated him. I had never been so crushed. I was hurt and pissed and angry and overwhelmed and embarrassed.
No...I was heartbroken.
Completely heartbroken.

1 comment:


    i am super empathetic about how this must have felt bc i had the same feeling in january. like you feel that you may never function again. or at least for a long while. and much alcohol is needed.